Wednesday, December 29, 2010

another question:

can i
kick it?


what is the proper amount of time
to mourn the loss of a possibility?
the disappearance of a specter?
the evaporation of something
that was never actually there?

maybe it's gauche
but i think
i'm done.

a (very) short story (with song for the credits):

he said, "oh, you guys are on that atmosphere, sage francis type shit, right?"
and he thought, "hell yes. we're not even that great, but you guys are less than a dime a dozen."
but his mouth could only seem to form, "...yeah..."

atmosphere - wild, wild horses

everything is all i have to give you, but i'm afraid it ain't enough

Saturday, December 25, 2010

building better bridges:

it's been a very good christmas weekend trip home.
with unexpected firsts and traditions continued.

i guess it's been the kind of time that makes me think about things. about things that i maybe don't specifically think about often enough, even if it's things i feel all the time. things i don't say enough. things i feel weird saying to people. and that i release here on this blog where i can pretend no one reads them.

so, everyone, know that i am infinitely grateful for my family and friends. you make my otherwise unextraordinary life well worth living. i love watching you do great things. and being great people. and being wholly yourselves. and you are all of those things. whether or not you can see it for yourself. thank you for letting me see.

"our hearts are abridged / let's build bridges to each other"

Friday, December 24, 2010

we're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living:

i've been listening to listener more and more lately. his words are great.
i wanted to post this song from their album, but i couldn't find it on youtube. so, here's a live one instead.

so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

a (very) short story:

she said, "merry christmas."
"merry christmas," he replied.
and they both cherished their gift of a temporary truce.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

sweet home chicago, full day #001:

- slow, sleepy late-ish start
- but still earlier than i wake up for work
- weird how that happens
- putting some lights on the tree
- listening to the velour family christmas compilation
- please ignore me sounding like a complete idiot doing that whole ho, ho, ho santa thing at the beginning
- sometimes the studio brings out the goofy in you
- trying to plan out the day
- insert running joke about my family making plans
- il forno's pizza
- oh my gosh it's even better than i always think it is
- so so so so so sososososososo good
- off to chicago
- everyone else must have had the same idea
- traffic traffic traffic traffictraffictraffic
- finally get into the city just a little too late to go to the museum of contemporary art
- i guess that will have to wait for summer
- hopefully i make it home in the summer
- h&m
- so very many nice blazers and coats
- exerting as much self control as i can muster
- still spent a lot
- that's right
- i bought more stuff for myself
- before getting any christmas shopping done
- because i am kind of a bad person
- sometimes
- stop at a weird downtown best buy that has very limited options of all the things i am looking for
- so my christmas shopping continues to be foiled
- but i do have some ideas for friends finally
- lame-ish ideas
- but ideas nonetheless
- (unrelated: the word nonetheless is awesome)
- eating at a random italian place that was nearby that i don't remember the name of
- tasty
- but, please, water guys, refill my cup with mostly water next time
- and not so much ice
- it will lead to less refilling for you
- cause i can drink a glass full of ice and a tiny bit of water very quickly
- off to see a movie
- cutting the time close
- park at the first lot we can find
- just enough time to get tickets
- "just so you know there are only 6 seats left so you may end up separated"
- well, we can just go to the showing in lincolnshire
- when the public parking lot sign says $14 for an hour or less, they mean it
- even when that or less is like seven minutes
- what a racket
- back towards home and the movie
- black swan
- whoa
- seriously
- home after a long day
- my old room has been repainted and gotten all new light fixtures
- it's a little weird
- but it looks a lot better
- too bad my mom never wanted to renovate while i still lived there
- super high pressure shower
- one of my favorite things about home
- like, so strong that i have a red circle on my chest afterwards
- i love it
- favorite home made cookies
- and ovaltine
- quite the way to end a night

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

a (very) short story:

he said, "you treated me like a fool."
"you are a fool," she replied.
he thought for a second and nodded.

Monday, December 20, 2010

the only christmas present that will be delivered by me on time:

here it is. what (at least one of) you have been waiting for.

you can get the chance lewis and apt song "christmas on 100 block" at this here link for free. you will also be getting a bunch of other free christmas songs by local musicians. and all it will cost you is an email address.

click it!

hope you enjoy.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

these ghosts dancing on my eyelids:

i can't seem to decide if the dreams are good or bad.
i think, perhaps, they are good while i am asleep.
and bad when i wake up.
these ghosts dancing on my eyelids,
vapor trails just off of reality.

christmas on 100block:

that was a fun night.

it's weird, i haven't been that nervous for a set in quite a while. at least, not that nervous during a set. but everyone said it was good. and it felt pretty good.

i even had people asking me about working on stuff afterward. which is strange to me. it's usually the other way around. pretty cool.

now i guess i can focus on feb. 5.

and postcards.
which probably won't even start getting sent out til the new year.

i'm gonna find out if there is some way for people to download the velour christmas compilation for those who want the song but weren't at the show to sign up for it. or i'll probably just post our song somewhere you can download it. assuming anyone actually wants it.

i think it's gonna be one of those nights i end up staying up late cause i don't really want the night to be over. cause tomorrow might not be near as nice.
but, maybe it'll be better.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

that was a good practice.
i hope the mini-set goes well too.

sometimes i do foolish things.
that's probably a vast understatement.

i think i've been wasting a lot of energy in completely useless areas.
but i don't know how to channel it to other places.
there is no taming that river.

here's a really good song:

"i'm trying not to slip
been trying not to lose footing
loose land keeps that pressure on my kicks
but when i fall i tend to land like a ton of bricks
stand like a man made of concrete and sediment, like
fuck your skin
nobody needs it
there's bones, muscle and blood
what's realer than fat and tendons?
it's raw
no soft tissue to draw your eyes to
and, so far, flesh ain't the truest
at all
let's rip into it
we all sick of the missed shots
passed over like the last man picked
no team
so pissed off
that's not honesty
that's just soft curves got your world flipped
got you making mixtapes for girls
and that's the skin again
let's blame the skin again
stretching itself so fluidly over these awkward ligaments
and i didn't shave today
i probably won't tomorrow
and it's safe to say i'm never gonna shed these extra-- yeah
so fuck it
back to the wall
crush it
laugh at em all
let em try to find the beauty in your face

sometimes i think i shouldn't bother posting stuff if there isn't really a point to it.
but, then, usually, i just shrug and click.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

get behind me, illness:

today feels like one of those days where every single part of me wants to give up on life and hide, alone.

and i think, maybe, for the rest of today i will.

except i have to practice for saturday.

so, nevermind.

i can fake feeling healthy.

that show went pretty well.
it's hard to tell with small crowds.
i wish it hadn't gone that late though.
my body is not going to like me tomorrow, i'm pretty sure.
but, it should know better than to try and get sick right now.
i have no time for that.
i can fit you in around january.
or perhaps, maybe can squeeze you in after i get back from visiting home and before new years.
please make an appointment with my receptionist, illness.
listener was interesting, as i had suspected.
and gave us bear hugs and thanks for playing after the show was over.
now i just need to learn that foolish christmas song.

time to try and unfreeze my feet and go to bed.
i'm okay with no really cold, late bar shows for a bit, i think.

but feb. 5 will be good. if i can be ready in time.

unrelated note:
less than a week away from ilforno's pizza.
my mouth salivates just thinking about it.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sometimes rapping feels like the exact perfect and most enjoyable thing to be doing possible.

and that will be the third time some of you will be reading me saying that.
so, obviously, i must mean it.

Monday, December 13, 2010

not much yet:

definitely off to a bad start on that first goal today.

but, i have finally started working on the postcards. see:

don't worry, they'll look much better when they are done.

goals for the week:

- go to work on time
- start drawing postcards
- rock this show with chance on wednesday
- by the way, listener looks to be quite interesting and quite good

- rock this show with chance on saturday
- you should come and check out our original christmas song
- which i need to practice
- plus, my name's on the flyer. whoa.
- and by name, i mean band name or whatever
- write the hook, bridge, and possibly rework the first verse of once again
- do all my christmas shopping
- do some cleaning
- start finding some 100 block beats samples
- figure out how to get the swagger of a ghost
- listen to lots of doomtree, joell ortiz, kanye, twin shadow, white lies, and erasure
- write in other stuff here right after i finish it so that i can cross it off and feel productive no matter what

Sunday, December 12, 2010

once again redux:

once again, it just wasn't enough /
comin' up short while running through bluffs /
forget the paper cuts, please stab knives up in guts /
it's time for everybody to remove the kid gloves /
let it spar, we need black eyes and scars /
to remember the price of the wars /
let's gripe and deplore, pay the price we ignore /
forget smooth, give me diced to the core /
i'm saying maybe i need that kick in the ass /
to pick up the math and pick up the trash /
burn it all to ash and then spit out the mass /
look at the sky, the world's still spinnin' as fast /
everyone's approaching, taking their measurements /
calm tones, trying to broker some settlement /
i'll just settle in to taking the medicine /
and watch you gracefully dance around elephants /
stop the peddling, dispense with cloaks
stop trying to please with senseless hope /
don't let me down easy, gentle, no /
baby, come here and slit. my. throat. /

i can't decide whether i should cut 4 bars so it's the standard 16, add 4 so it's 24, or just leave it at 20. but i'm pretty sure i might actually be able to finish this song finally. after so many years. as long as i can make a beat that is acceptable. that's the big if.

the pendulum swings so fast (a day in list form):

- inability to sleep-in because of quietly tormenting dreams
- staying in bed and thinking too much while dozing on and off
- cougar creations
- pseudo-near-attack by monster t-shirt wearing teenage girl
- conversations while picking up chicken
- the misfits
- stress and chicken and less than great physical feelings
- moping
- then a little more
- "and i always find, yeah, i always find, yeah, i always find something wrong"
- can't even escape in a nap
- "i'm so gifted at finding what i don't like the most"
- slow transition from moping to semi- bitterness
- picking up lines here and there
- transition from bitterness to a not-caring swagger that i wish i had most of the time
- two or three bars away from a new verse that i feel is quite good (i'll post it later when i finish it)
- brownie bites
- consuming media on the couch with a great friend
- why don't i do this more often?
- when did it kind of slip away a bit?
- if you're in the right mood my beautiful dark twisted fantasy will up your swagger exponentially
- walk to 100 block with star baby
- muse is back to being muse
- and it feels so right
- good reactions to the poster (thanks, everyone)
- emergency bowtie present
- i feel i should clarify that phrasing
- the present was an emergency bowtie
- it was not a bowtie that was an emergency present
- #mypresenceisapresentkissmyass
- but that was actually earlier
- it's just funnier placement there
- "baby, you melt my buh-tyaahhhh"
- feeling a certain sense of belonging that i ignore far too often
- i just wish a couple more people could have been there
- they are my second family
- got my name on a poster
- in small print
- but it's there
- are you apt?
- ultimate grilled cheese
- and somehow every soda i drank tasted perfect
- michael jackson and james brown
- the parlor is really warm
- i swear i was laughing at cory's yelp and not your spilled apple beer
- seriously
- hollow cheese sticks are the sign of amateurs
- hi-chews and hot chocolate
- and some cheese
- cause i can never help myself
- now iris in
- and let's try and stay busy tomorrow

Saturday, December 11, 2010

a (very) short story:

so he thought, "fix me, then."

it's time for everyone to take off the kid gloves.

maybe some black eyes are exactly what's in order.

Friday, December 10, 2010

get your blankets ready:

it's been a while since i've gotten to do a poster. i think it turned out pretty good.

now on to the postcards.
i will.
do them.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

a (very) short story:

he said something.
she said something else.
but they could only ever seem to talk parallel to each other.

i would like to take this time to officially thank the owners of the 'NETGEAR' wireless signal for graciously allowing us to 'borrow' their internet. you helped us through a dark time and we will be forever grateful. now we forge on, with the knowledge that we will no longer have to find spots in the house where the signal is strong enough or deal with strange signal cut outs. hooray for having our own internet.

p.s. you may want to think about putting a password on your router.
p.p.s. enjoy the faster speeds that come with not having us leach off you.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

a small preview:

should be done tomorrow or thursday night.

then the postcards are the priority.

a (very) short story:

she told him that the world was collapsing.
and he said
and counted it among his greatest failures.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

a (very) short story:

he asked her what she was thinking.
she paused for a moment and answered plainly.
'you only ask me questions that i've already asked you.'

multiple things crammed into one entry:

i used to think that maybe i was hiding behind long hair and a beard.
and now i feel like maybe i'm hiding behind shorter hair and no beard.
so, then, what is it i'm hiding from?
and why am i so bad at it?

aborted writing session-

i wish my mood was a bit better at matching what it is i have to do.

sorry to people still waiting for postcards. i have been procrastinating. i will get to them. i'm gonna try and send out the first four by the end of next week at the latest.

the christmas song i did with chance turned out quite good considering how little time we had to put into it. i'll post a link when it is finally officially available.

i'm hoping someday the sound of my own voice will no longer sound horrible to me.

"when all the ropes have strung you up / and all the blades have cut you down / i hope you find that ground"

doomtree is so good.

i was talking to my friend last night about how i am wavering between wanting to be more social than i have been lately and wanting to be completely and utterly anti-social. isolate myself completely. and spend all my time on getting better at things that i always put off. then he said that that always sounds like a good idea, but i probably wouldn't actually be productive. i would probably waste my time on laptop tv and making sad blog posts. i told him sad blog posts aren't a complete waste of time. he may be right.
instead of working on a poster right now, i'm typing this instead.

it just feels like i need to get it out of me. like a poison.
but maybe it's never actually worked that way.

i better go try and draw some whimsical crap. time's running out.

Monday, December 06, 2010

it never ceases to amaze me how quickly the pendulum swings.

things to get done (or, a list that proves that if i weren't lazy i would be very busy):

- slumber party poster
- postcard initiative postcards
- cory mon shirt (which is probably not necessary anymore, but that i want to do anyway)
- velour girls 'cover'
- christmas on 100 block 'cover' (maybe)
- apt is the new nervous
- if i had a popsicle lyrics
- monster lyrics
- dear everyone lyrics
- other lyrics
- stenopool redesign
- '100 block beats' beats
- apt lewis ep beats and lyrics
- christmas shopping
- getting out of my own way
- taking what's mine

those last two don't really count.

a (very) short story:

she asked him to tell her a secret.
so, he leaned in close and whispered in her ear.
'when you say it, you sound like you're trying to convince yourself.'

Sunday, December 05, 2010

lots of random things that represent many different spots on the spectrum of human emotion:

i was right about wasting most of the weekend with melancholy. but i think it's necessary sometimes, so i'm kind of okay with it.

plus, it was really only when i was alone that was that bad.

oliver hart (eyedea) - walking

it was really nice to take a walk today. and one long enough to give me blisters. that doesn't happen often in these cold months. it didn't really clear my head much but sometimes just motion can be enough. or at least make it feel okay to have a crammed, conflicted and never all that pleased mind.

i was listening to lazerbeak's album while walking. the more i listen to it the better it is to me. it was definitely an unexpected direction, but well worth giving up my preconceived desires to enjoy.

lazerbeak - let it go

also listened to this.

paper tiger - 2nd day back

and some sims too.

it was a long walk.

somebody needs to teach me how to get out of my own way.

recorded a short, silly christmas song with chance lewis and a special guest tonight. it put me in such a good mood. i was feeling kinda down on the song and just wanted to get it finished and be done with it before. but since we finished recording i am in such a good mood. i wish i was always this happy after finishing working on stuff. i don't even know if the song will turn out that great, i just feel good about having done it.

i really hope this mood can carry over into tomorrow.

and then maybe i can be productive and get started on the postcard initiative.

in response to something that is most likely not at all about me:

me too.

alright, fine, i'll try to climb that hill
but trust it'll be at a slow pace
and you can grind me through the churning wheels of your mill
but trust you can't make me go race

and everything keeps telling me to bite my tongue.
to be quiet.
and resolute.
a blank.
no matter what.
only let my red cheeks betray any meaning.

like silence ever saved anyone.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

idea vs. reality:

i have this problem where when i have a good idea i cannot start working on it. i actually actively do not want to. i become completely averse to starting, avoiding it as long as possible. i think it's because i'm worried about the end result being nowhere near as good as the idea. that i won't be able to do the idea it's proper justice. fear of failing the idea, basically.

normally, for things like songs or general arty things, this is fine. well, fine enough. it just means i progress at an incredibly glacial pace. but when it's a poster design that has a rather tight time-frame it is far more stressful. i have no time for the usual procrastination. maybe that's a good thing.

time to force myself to work.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

so for once, and very unexpectedly, a production idea that i had is working out quite easily and well (at least i think it is). except for the fact that i don't know how to properly use this recording software. i could totally finish this tonight if i knew what i was doing.

ah well. usually it's just that i have no ideas or they end up horrible. so i suppose this is progress.

two steps forward, one step back or whatever.

i wanna finish this beat tomorrow. i think it's possible.

whoa, positive thinking on this blog?
sorry, i swear i'll go back to normal soon.

demon girl:

because i can't think of anything of my own to post, but i still want to post something, here's a really good song.

cecil otter - demon girl

now if i had a nickel for every time i said never, i'd be rich and have you living in your picture perfect shoes.