Wednesday, July 11, 2007

tonight i have to leave it

i'm becoming melancholy. i don't like it. tomorrow i leave for a week and a half at home in the suburbs of chicago. i head to a weekend full of good music at the pitchfork music festival. but none of that is cheering me up right now. if anything, it's making it worse. i can't help but think about last year. and how different it was. how i had friends coming with me. cause they wanted to see where i was from. what sort of place led to who and how i am today. cause there was a girl i really liked and who i thought liked me and she was coming too. and i hadn't seen her in a few months. and i was really excited to see her. and this year, i go by myself. and jen is gone. has been for a while. and dave is farther away than ever. and emily is leaving in august. and gretchen is taking me to the airport tomorrow and that will be the last time i see her. ever. in a little over a year i've gone from hoping she would be my girlfriend to never seeing her again. and, really a lot of the stuff after the trip last year was awful and still messes with me, but i've never thought not seeing someone would be a good thing. and after august i'll probably see emily one or two more times. and i hardly ever talk to jen. and i hardly ever talk to jared. cause when people are gone i lose them. i'm too ashamed of my life and my lack of progression to reach out to them. it's too hard to hear how their lives are changing and improving and growing and mine isn't. and how i have nothing to do with their improved lives. it's a skewed, most likely incorrect, view, but it's the way i am. and i keep thinking about how when i get back i won't want to go back to work and i'll just want to quit. and about how i'm weak and self-destructive enough to just maybe do it. and about how i'm going back to school and i might fail. and then what? and i keep thinking about how eventually ashley won't want to hang out anymore. and after tyler moves we'll grow apart. and about how scott has become far away. how we see each other through a sort of haze now, even though neither of us want it to be that way or meant for it to get that way. and i'm using names for the first time, cause all the he/she/them shadowing is useless. and pretentious. and so it this. and i can't stop it. i wrote about you all the time carly. and, emily, i wrote at least one verse about you. jen too. and scott's been the muse for at least a few things. and gretchen. of course. and i've been helpless about it. and we all know. and ashley calls me out. and it pisses me off. cause it cuts so close. and it's all about to change. it's all about to go away. i have to recast almost the whole fucking thing. and i'm no good at rewrites.