Wednesday, December 28, 2011

it's the kind of dream that i enjoy in the moment
and wish that i would stop having
the most bittersweet of cake.

Monday, December 26, 2011

sometimes on these visits, in just the right quiet moments - with the wind blowing across the river and the tribune tower hovering - i get sentimental.

the kind of sentimental that makes me wish my arm wasn't empty. that makes me want to have someone to show off all these things to. show off my family. show of the place i'm from. the place that somehow buried itself in me while i wasn't paying attention. the place i didn't know well enough to appreciate when i was here to appreciate it. the people who became pieces of me. the pieces of them that made me how i am. the hidden genesis. the unseen roots.

show it because it's a part of me that not many people know. a part that means a lot. that is special. and not easily illuminated.

parts of me that i only now know are important.

sometimes on these visits, in just the right quiet moments - with the wind blowing in from the lake and the band shell glowing - i let my mind wander.
i let it feel your weight keeping my arm warm on the michigan avenue bridge.
your eyes smiling while i explain the cliche, boring tourist facts that everyone already knows.
they die the river green on st. patricks day. and it kinda stays green all year now.
long ago they reversed the flow of the river.
it's called the second city because they rebuilt it better after the fire.
not because it's second rate.
a phoenix from the ashes.
like me.

it could have been you.
but i shouldn't think that way anymore.

it can be someone else.
someone who wants to find it.
the empty arm in the shy city.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

i meant to post this last night after my flight:

some day i will have someone
who wants to travel with me
and we will fall asleep
leaning into each other

until then i will
continue to push myself
into the cold, unwelcoming plastic
of the window well

it's not the crying that i found beautiful.
not the contortion of the face.
the pained squint of the eyes.
the tear trickling.

it was the vulnerability behind it.

the meaning transforming the aesthetic.

and i hope it's always like that.

my week with marilyn:

i just got back from watching my week with marilyn.
i had read a little at work about it. just some short things that it was good, but nothing that had me super, super excited about it.

i ended up thoroughly enjoying it.
it kind of feels like i saw it at just the exact specific right moment. like over the last little while my mind has been consciously and unconsciously dwelling on just the right things for the experience of watching this movie to ignite a bunch of thoughts. if i had seen it in a few weeks it might have been a completely different experience.

it made me think a lot about the things i find appealing about people. in both platonic and non-platonic ways. how i seem to like damaged or vulnerable people. i have a soft spot for them. perhaps because i identify myself as one. it really helped me clarify the whole concept of the underdogg in my mind. i can't speak for chance, but i feel like we have similar thoughts on what we mean by underdogg and i feel like other people don't really get it. not that it's too advanced or anything. just that we've never spelled it out. it's really clear in my mind now. i just need to figure out how to express it.

i feel like there's so many things i could say about the thoughts that came to mind but this isn't the right forum. i can't give it the time and concentration it would take for clarity here. i wish i had people here to talk about this stuff with right now.

that's actually tangential to another one of the thoughts i had. but i can't explain it right now. haha.

suffice to say that for whatever reason watching this movie was a catalyst for my mind tonight.
and i am really glad it was.

see it if you get the chance.
you may not have the same experience, but even so it's definitely worth a view.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

things to get done while i am home:

- t-shirt designs
- ticket designs
- assembling of liner notes
- memorizing of lvotvg and uncle
- pricing pre-order packages
- register domain names
- register/start setting up online shop
- website designs
- shot list for get down video
- shot list for promo videos
- portrait inspirations
- find places to get quotes/turnaround time for replication
- trevor project
- pick lyric quotes
- make a header
- hope my gut pains go away/diminish
- eat ilforno's pizza

and, umm..... oh yeah...

- have fun

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

something i meant to post at least a month ago:

it was my friend's birthday and there were a handful of us gathered to celebrate. as part of the festivities we played a cheesy party game where you write a random question (preferably about someone in the room or that everyone in the room knows) on a piece of paper. then the questions are all gathered up and mixed up. you pick out a question and write an answer for it. the papers get mixed up again. you pick a piece of paper and ask the question, then the next person reads the answer for the question on their piece of paper. that way you get the humor of the made up answers for the relevant questions (so long as you pay attention and put things in the correct order in your mind) and the goofiness of getting off-the-wall answers from other questions (similar to the off-the-wall goofiness of a madlibs).

i think i came up with some pretty good questions. one involved prince being in a strictly platonic same-sex relationship with someone there. another was about someone secretly being a creation of the jim henson workshop. just some light-hearted, goofy fun.

it was only later that night, while alone in my room trying to sleep, that i thought of what would have been the perfect question.

what if adam had some courage?

write your own answers.

i tend to avoid mine.

don't mind me, i need this for later. gonna have to rework it a lot more than i thought i would. ugh. # i_am_apt ...God bless the sidekicks, God bless the tangential, God bless the losers, God bless the thirdies, God bless the weirdos. God bless. 8:58 PM Jun 19th from Tweed webOS # Adam Apt i_am_apt God bless the awkward, God bless the #underdogg, God bless the quiet, God bless the overlooked, God bless the invisible...

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Thursday, December 08, 2011

"a flat chested, gap toothed girl was the best thing i've been so far"

damn i need to find a dessa.

"hoping we could trade. just for tonight. i could borrow your heart, you could borrow mine. not much for collateral, tattered and battle scarred, but i can promise you solemn i'll be back for it tomorrow. i only need yours this evening..."

i was gonna write this post that was like a prediction of what will happen tomorrow.
i would write it now.
and set it to post tomorrow around this time.
and we'd see how correct i was.
(i would probably be really correct)

but that's a dumb idea.

i have a lot of dumb ideas.
especially related to this blog.

so instead listen to this podcast i was on.

and pray for my guts to stop rotting.
and my mind to clear.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

if i had found an episode of this american life that i wanted to fall asleep to twenty minutes ago these last three posts wouldn't even exist.

the thoughts behind them might not either.

these are the tiny grains on which the universe is built.

try not to think about it too much.

there are some thoughts i have which i have nowhere to put.
they are homeless.
because everywhere they turn there are eyes they do not want to be seen by.
eyes that should be tired of the reruns by now anyway.

i fear the fact i have nowhere to bury them
makes them undead zombies
forever haunting me.

eating my brains.
invading my guts.

so i post crap like this instead.
why do you read this?

how many times will i think i see a light at the end of the tunnel only to find it's just a trick of the eyes before i finally decide to just poke my eyes out?

jump cut to the end.

man lives last days stuck inside head.
just like his head always wanted him to.