Wednesday, June 30, 2010

i find it moderately amusing that i have been regularly listening to that aesop rock song i posted a while ago from this blog. over and over. every time i open my internet browser. the amusing part is that i am now getting annoyed at having to scroll down a bit to get to it.

and this post will only make it farther away.

here's a different good song:

cage - shoot frank

some day scott and i will collaborate and write a song that is this good. or probably maybe better. really.

also, on a side note, i'm not sure if my mega increase in posting songs is lame or not.
if you find it super lame, let me know.
and i'll maybe ignore you and do it anyway.
or stop.

or it's like this:

in my younger days i was more afraid of failing socially than i was of failing in my personal endeavors. so i avoided the social and reveled in the personal. and was disappointed by my introversion.

now i am more afraid of failing in my personal endeavors than i am of failing socially. so i avoid the personal by stalling with the social. and am disappointed by my lack of conviction.

the more things change, the more they stay the lame.

i have hermit in my genetics:

it can't be good when socializing begins to feel like a waste of time. i don't really understand why. i have enjoyed the time spent with people. i have wonderful and interesting people as friends.

perhaps it's the couple nights spent with people i hardly know. hanging in large groups of people i don't know gives me no pleasure. it only reminds me of how awkward i am. and i generally end up thinking about how i have no interest in getting to know new people. and becoming jealous of my friends who have no problem becoming the hit of any new group.

but then even the time spent with close friends has felt... i dunno. rote. i have several projects i could have spent my time on. half of which are paying projects. it feels like writing or drawing or reading or just sitting around listening to music would have been much more productive. like i am never going to improve myself and be stuck treading water if i keep being social and ignoring my desires to isolate. and i don't like feeling like that, because it makes me wonder if i am just lost to society.

but i can't help it. it seems like spending time in my room alone would reap more rewards.
i suppose i was just never been meant to be the social butterfly.

then this is the part where people tell me that if i just had confidence in myself and let people see the real me i would be a rising star of destiny. or something.
and then i roll my eyes.

i know i can be awesome (that looks really pompous typed out like that. i assume you know what i mean). i just don't really care to show most people that.
i fail to see how it's worth the effort in most cases.
apt apathetic.

how's that for a bitter entry?
i hope no one reading this feels insulted. it's not a personal thing. it's not even about specific people. i'm just missing essential parts necessary lately.

also, the more people that i don't really know that well that say they like reading my blog (or, perhaps even weirder, that they hear i have a cool blog) the more confused and semi-weirded out i get.
i'll never understand why anyone would enjoy reading about my gut rot.
but thanks.

and, finally, on a non-depressing note, today is scott's birthday. he doesn't read my blog. so i can say whatever i want and not feel weird about him reading it. heaven forbid i directly express my feelings with anyone. haha.
he is like a brother to me. in fact, it's quite possible he is closer to me than a brother (sorry any actual brothers that are reading this, i love you too). he knows me perhaps better than any other person that has breathed air on this planet. he believes in me more than almost anyone i know. he has more talent in a strand of his (wonderfully long and majestic) hair than 99% of the universe. and he doesn't brag about it. and he is patient. and kind. and lots of other things that are really good things to be. if i could give him anything for his birthday it would be for him to be able to see himself the way i (and many other people) see him. and a trillion dollars.
so, scott, thanks for being my friend. i would probably be really miserable without you. may you live one million more years. or the exact number more that you want to.

that's probably the only section of this entry i should even post.
oh well.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

"there's smoke in my iris / but i painted a sunny day on the insides of my eyelids"

this is one of my favorite songs in existence. there are so very many fantastic lines.

one time a friend of mine asked what song i would listen to if i knew i were about to die and i could only listen to one. this was on the short list that came to my mind. i never could pick one though.

aesop rock - battery

Saturday, June 26, 2010

dear huge mosquito,

at least when i spend an hour trying to get past an invisible wall it is a metaphor. and not a window. it looks slightly less stupid.

adam thelonius hochhalter

go out at night with your headphones on. again.

not a great picture. but the moon looked incredible tonight.

Monday, June 21, 2010

three goals:

one (1): get into work by 11:30 or 12 tomorrow. sounds simple enough, if you don't know me that well.

two (2): work on a song for a future open mic.

for goal number two i would like you people who read this mopey blog to vote for what song i should try and do first. you will only get the title of the song to base your decision on. also, this vote is non-binding. you can't tell me what to do.

here are the options:

• once again
• jack and jill
• holidays
• 28 days later
• sadie
• something new based on things posted previously on this blog (if you want to you can even specify an entry)

please vote by commenting. thanks.

three (3): my forlorn wallet logo and cory mon and the starlight gospel t-shirt done by next weekend.

here's something that doesn't make sense. getting in a weird mood because people didn't ask you to do something that you regularly avoid doing when they actually do ask. i am a strange creature.


i should get ready for next tuesday. bother me about it. hound me about it. tell me my excuses are foolish and nothing but empty words. maybe then i could be ready in a few months. or years.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

i love that just hearing an incredible sounding snare drum can awaken my entire soul.
and that a simple dinner can bring me such pleasure.
sometimes when apathy rules in the usual places you have to look to the minuscule.
and find everything.
hail to the drum crack.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

well, the good news is that i am up at 6am and the sky looks beautiful. the bad news is that i am still up at 6am. no new and improved proper sleeping schedule for me. i just couldn't fight the fidgety feeling i had. it was not time for sleep. i'm not sure what it was time for, but not sleep. the hollow had to be chased out. the quality of the night had to be analyzed. the ghosts had to be named and properly listened to. the fire had to be tended. both extinguished and relit. or at least noticed.

but listening to atmosphere barefoot on the balcony right now feels so very right.

godlovesugly reprise

we can make sure you have fun
yes we can
yes we shall
yes we will
we can make sure you have pain
yes we can
yes we shall
yes we will
we can make sure you have hell
yes we can
yes we shall
yes we will
we can make sure you have life
yes we can
yes we shall
yes we will
we can make sure you have-
yes we can
yes we shall
yes we will

Friday, June 18, 2010

i need to figure out a way to make myself enjoy failure.
i think that would change a lot of things.

on an unrelated topic, i listened to sage francis and saul williams all day at work today. so good. such unique voices. it makes me worry that i don't really have anything to say. and i don't mean just in rap lyrics but in pretty much everything. art, regular conversation, whatever. i don't want to be lukewarm. but i seem to be afraid of being cold and hot as well.

but, after a good text talk with a friend i am trying to adjust the way i approach things. i need to embrace the things that make me scared and nervous. if i'm afraid to fail at those things then that means i care enough to pursue them. or something. this all always makes a lot of sense in the middle of the night while writing on the blog or staring at the ceiling trying to stumble into sleep. it tends to lose it's clarity in the light of day.

i think i'm rambling now. so i'll stop.
half asleep posting probably isn't a good idea, huh?

"i'm a slow man lookin' for a slow woman that wants to slow dance / i'm a slow man lookin' for a slow woman who don't care that i'm old lookin'/ .... / and i'm a bad, bad man. my dance so slow it appears to be my last stand / and i'm a bad, bad man. i'ma dance so slow it looks like a photo"

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

i really wish the name scream phoenix didn't sound like a hardcore band's name.
cause it was a much more apt name than apt is.
i suppose production is required for it to be that much of a shame.
it would have fit me perfectly though.
death and rebirth. over and over.
but in a much more majestic way than sisyphus.
oh well.
lemme wash these ashes off.
scream phoenix.

here's the original inspiration for that old name:

and, hey, youtube can teach you things. i didn't know this before, but this song samples 'lady day' and 'montage' by philip glass.
i'm gonna have to listen to this album tomorrow, cause i just got reminded how much i love it. if only for this song and the one that precedes it.

tonight this is my admission
two days of poor choices always seems to be the cure
until the next end of my remission

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

i think it's time to go into hiding.
to shove my head in the sand and ignore everything.
to pass the time alone in my room.

so, if i don't talk to you or want to hang out or if i seem to be in a bad mood when i do talk to you or hang out, don't take it personal. cause it's probably not.

i'm hoping the solitude will cure me.
or at least make me forget what is broken.

telegram to myself:

dear adam

no sleep.
too much stressing.
brain won't deactivate.
today is not gonna be a good day.
i'm going back to bed.
probably for a long time.

go go gadget head in the sand.

Monday, June 14, 2010

random things to use later:

the fastest way to the hero is through his sidekick
those other tactics don't work we should revise it
we can devise just the plan, go on and try this
bide your time by killing the sidekick with kindness

hi, good to meet you. i'm your consolation prize
don't speak. i see the excitement in your staring vacant eyes.
no, please. there's really no need for you to vocalize those lies.
let's just hush and pass the time fighting off our nascent sighs.

from here on out it's just breathing out of habit
the last ditch of has beens who can't mete out the magic

Thursday, June 10, 2010

choose your own adventure:

blah blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
weird feeling in chest
blah blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
no sleep
blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
fill in the blahs with your own choice of complaints, concerns, worries, etc.
it's almost always the same.
you know it by now.

and today was actually a good day.
i will not miss this cough if it ever actually goes away.
it's the gateway to whining, anxiety and bitter moods.
and i'm tired of being tired of it.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

you are.
that's the answer.

but who would
ever speak
so plainly.

Friday, June 04, 2010

and don't bother blowing on it either:

(my handwriting is pretty bad, so)

can't seem to shake it,
the cough or the mood.
and don't even mention the polaroid
cause that never helped it develop any faster.
it just helped you fill the time.
i'll fill mine with sleep,
and the closest i'll come to shake
are my night terrors.