Sunday, May 30, 2010

and you can be my philosopher, if i can ride your dinosaur (the week [thus far] in list form):

• white or black decision
• black bowtie on black spiffiness
• too small modern day robin hood fedora action
• high fashion v.i.p. corner
• war paint
• thrown cords
calling out my name
• botw
• incredible new song
• i will never write a song that is that good even if it was my only job for the rest of my entire life
• and the lights, man, the lights
• there are not words crafted to describe it
• you need to see and hear it yourself
• earliest ending show ever of my life
• but still so lovely
• posters stolen from both bathrooms before i could get them
• take the one on the door
• biggest v.i. group ever
• professor mon and the pocket moments
• secret website talk
• increasingly bad cough
• trickling into the homestead
• impromptu ddvm
• loving that no matter how big my friends may get, they still appreciate some ddvm action
• loving the people that are willing to not be too cool to dance
• dancing more than i ever do at real ddvms
• maybe
• at least that's how it felt
• wondering if perhaps i am losing some of my self consciousness
• realizing that i am coughing a whole lot
• and feeling light headed
• and sweating profusely
• keep playing music anyway
• prince and michael will carry me through
• 'burn down the disco'
• watch a little professor brothers and babycakes while slowly possibly dying
• fight off urge to vomit and pass out
• let mos def and a shower rejuvenate me
• enough to rediscover wonderful words
• right before tricking myself into sleep
• meat, meat, meat, pineapple, meat
• thousand yard meat stares
• pole swinging
• and screaming
• and jumping
• and wondering how foolish i will look if that all ends up on a video on facebook somewhere
• but, hey, it was the first time mpj has seen me freak out
• but not freak out in an angry, scary, mean way
• more like a boisterous, funny, jolly, goofy, awesome way
• and people need to know i freak out
• it's so necessary
• and endearing?
• mashing with the masses at costco
• hebrew national
• buns, buns, chips, veggies, meat
• wondering how that fbi special agent felt sitting on a folding chair next to his book waiting for people to come talk to him and ask him to sign a copy
• wouldn't be that strange except that its at the end of an aisle in a costco
• i think i would feel weird and perhaps moderately disappointed that years of service and my literary efforts had led me to a folding chair in a giant big box store in utah
• hoping that guy has a better perspective on his life than me
• breaking bad
• being both confused by and probably totally loving the fly episode
• tony riggy stops by
• and finds vh1 classic
• pleasant walk to riggy's
• birthday cake and salad
• pleasant walk to velour
• sense of place
• quality hanging out with mpj, tony riggy, tyler wedge, chance lewis, et al.
• the bad at school story
• for the second time in a week
• worrying that the story makes me seem... i can't think of the right word... pathetic is too strong. juvenile isn't right. weird is part of it, but not all of it. ungrownup isn't even a real word, but it should be part of the mix too.
• wondering if perhaps i should avoid talking about that and answer questions that lead to that in only the shortest and vaguest ways
• wondering if perhaps i tell the whole, long story as some sort of self-sabotage or preemptive explanation for my weirdness
• wondering why i feel more comfortable with most people after i tell the story
• dogs chase their tails in real life
• with much gusto
• talk of rap songs future
• worrying i won't be able to think of anything
• but i probably will
• and it will have to many multisyllabic rhymes
• and be too vague
• but you'll still be impressed
• giving in to my seve vs. evan nostalgia
• contemplating whether that was the right choice
• carnival funhouse
• missing old friends who have moved on from utah
• i mean, it's all the old songs tonight
• first album mostly
• all the songs they played when we went to every show
• thank you so much for that
• del taco
• sweet, sweet diesel ride
• 7-11 walk
• jay electronica
• especially the exhibit c instrumental
• i need to write something to that
• even if everyone in the world already has or will
• a milli too
• and i need to do that scott chop instrumental
• and a bunch of drawing
• decide to post a blog
• decide i'm too lazy to go back and edit the entry so that the tenses of phrases match
• i really can't be bothered
• so don't judge me
• click publish post

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


i can feel myself turning awkward and shy
and acting strange and saying dumb things
and giving off completely incorrect impressions.

but i'll never be able to stop it
even after the realization.
it's the closest thing i've ever felt to destiny.

so i guess i'll just stand in the corner
and play records while i fake it
and pretend i know how to escape.

hang the dj.


fight, flight, ghost or rehearsed
if this wall were papered i'd blend into the filigree
invisibility is in my pedigree
the gift and the curse

Saturday, May 22, 2010

p.s. i finally got my b.dolan record in the mail today.
that was a very good thing about today.
i need to find someone to go see him and sage francis next week up in slc (so, um, anyone?).

so, instead of that last mopey post, just pretend i came on here and wrote this (but that somehow i wrote it before b.dolan... or something.... or just pretend that my previous post was something cool like this but not exactly this that was written by me).

it's 4:22 in the morning and i feel pretty completely unsatisfied with my day.
which means i won't be able to sleep.
which means tomorrow will start of at an early disadvantage.
and it wasn't even that bad a day really.

okay, brain, tonight while i am half sleeping you are going to develop a new neural pathway that bypasses all of my mopey, anti-social, awkward, disappointed, unmotivated, uncertain and pessimistic tendencies.
and if you succeed i will reward you with hot dogs and good times at velour tomorrow night.

Friday, May 21, 2010

this chapter's finished:

here's how it turned out in digital form:

i'm hoping some of the vibrancy of the orange comes out more in printed form. but otherwise it turned out alright.
and now that i know i can scan stuff this big with sir golden hawk of monshire i may do some more computer-less posters in the future.

on an unrelated matter, i really wanna watch the rankin/bass versions of the hobbit and return of the king and the ralph bakshi lord of the rings and nausicaa of the valley of the wind and macross and akira and unico (though i fear i will ruin my memories of the bad guy that i found super terrifying when i was a kid) and other cartoon movies i watch when i was much younger.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

tonight has been completely and utterly maddening.
and i can't stop grinding my teeth.
and since most of it has been me failing to get done what i want to get done while being all by myself in my room i feel really lonely and loserish right now.
i hate posters forever.
or at least until tomorrow.

i need a big scanner.



the combination of the golden wonder cory mon, some tasty toast, delicious ovaltine and this episode of treme that i am about to watch has tempered by mood. i am now cautiously optimistic that this poster may work out after all. i hope i am right.

useless second entry that was supposed to be the prologue of the previous entry but which i have upgraded to it's own entry with the worst header ever:

toast is very good.

here's a little just for my blog exclusive preview:

this post should be on my drawing blog, but it's so very behind and i'm pretty sure that no one ever reads it. at least here i know there are approximately 4 people around.

aside from the fact that i made may 28 a saturday instead of a friday, i think it turned out alrightish. i'll have to fix the saturday/friday thing on my computer.

now i'll just see if mr. book on tape worm, esq. finds it satisfactory or if i need to do it in my usual half drawn-half computer style.

i am proud of myself for recognizing that i was feeling stagnant over the last few posters and that such stagnation should be remedied with a change of pace. i am also glad that i dove headfirst into this idea. i do kind of wish i had taken the time to practice up a little before doing the actual poster, but i was worried i wouldn't have the time. and maybe i'm just being my usual overly critical self.

now i just need to figure out the best way to digitize this for reproduction and whatnot. anyone have a good super megapixel camera and wanna take a nice picture for me?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

today was supposed to be the rescheduled first of my (hopefully) weekly i-will-focus-on-music-and-lyrics-on-this-night nights, but i put it off yet again. because i finally have a new poster job to do. and i need to finish it with speed. also, i'm probably quite a bit worried about anything i write being complete crap so i will embrace any decent excuse to postpone. that could be a tiny, sub-reason.

anyways, i spent all night trying to think of an idea and getting incredibly frustrated because nothing was coming to mind. the only ideas i had were just a little wrong. one needs to be for a later in the summer show. one is an idea i've had for years that i don't want to be a poster. it's supposed to be a shirt and i don't want a band to have it cause it's mine, dang it. even though i will probably never get around to making shirts so it will be a wasted idea. one is an idea that would take too much time.

eventually, out of desperation, i busted out on of my big ole books of professional illustrations to look for something to steal. i mean, inspire me. after flipping through most of it, i finally came up with an idea that had nothing to do with any of the stuff i was looking at (but, really though). and it involves a weber grill, a gramaphone, and a siamese twin. drawing starts tomorrow.

i find it strange that, after months of no poster/drawing work, in the last 24 hours i have been approached about doing 3 new projects. luckily i can space them out a bit so i don't have to be doing posters for three weeks straight.

anyways, one of the posters is for a book on tape worm/cody rigby show. this, dear readers, is where you come in. i have one idea, but i'm not sure if i like it or not. so, i would like to hear ideas from you people. my brain is dead, drawing-idea wise (as is apparent by my complete and utter stalling on a logo/website project that should have been done a month ago). what hackneyed doodled based drawing would you like to see on a poster of mine? since i know at least one member of book on tape worm reads this here blog i feel it fair to ask for ideas from the community (yeah, i have no idea why that makes it okay for me to ask either; just roll with it). help me brainstorm!

and, in fact, if you wouldn't mind helping me out with some more crowd sourcing, what are some things that are epic?

okay, i really meant for this to be a short little post. i really do ramble.
and then talk about my rambling.

aaaaannddd scene....
(it is very important that you do the 'and scene' hand motion while reading that)
(or at least picture someone doing it)
(very, very important)

Sunday, May 09, 2010

so that was actually a pretty awesome weekend.
not at all in the way i expected it to be awesome, say, two weeks ago.
and i am still sad i missed that weekend.
and that i'll never get to live that weekend.
but this one was probably much better for me.
more important for me.
a much more recalibrating, set-my-head-straight kind of thing than the other would have been.
and my family is incredible.
and my grandparents are incredible.
and i have them in me.
we are much more similar than i ever perceived.
i just hope i can follow their example.

also, happy mother's day, mom. i'm pretty sure you don't read my blog, but, i'll say it anyway.
without you i would be a crumbled pile of dust and quavering slop.
so, thanks for making me a person. and accepting that person.
talking back, sarcastic lip and all.
love you, mom.

and now, back to your regularly scheduled life of non-eventful events.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

the first of my (hopefully) weekly i-will-focus-on-music-and-lyrics-on-this-night nights has been postponed due to really sucky news.

instead i shall pretend all is normal while watching the jazz game.
and thinking about how i'm gonna miss my grandma.

i don't know why i'm even posting this.
i don't know the proper ways to deal with bad news and tragic events.

bite your tongue:

all throughout the day today my tongue has hurt. when i took a look at it, around the middle of the afternoon, i could clearly see teeth marks (tooth marks? um... marks made by teeth). all along both sides. and these were pretty deep and clear indentations. it looked like i had been biting my tongue the entire previous night and day. in the literal sense. clamping down on both sides.

it got me wondering if perhaps i have also been figuratively biting my tongue. and that my body was now trying to let me know (albeit in a rather un-clever and all to literal fashion).

i have decided this is not the case. my body is not nearly this subtle with me. ever. were i really worried about something like this, consciously or subconsciously, my brain would just make me really nervous and give me a panic attack or general anxious semi-freakout. much more direct. a tried and true method my brain and body have mastered over my many years of life.

so, mouth, please stop biting my tongue for no reason. in both senses.
but especially the literal one.

on a semi-related note (i.e. the ending of tongue biting), tomorrow night shall be the first of my (hopefully) weekly i-will-focus-on-music-and-lyrics-on-this-night nights. in case you didn't pick up what it's about from that really catchy, hyphen heavy phrasing, i will be picking one night a week (most likely monday or tuesday) to specifically work on songs. i think i shall start slow, with one hour or so of dedicated time. then hopefully i will be able to expand it to four or five hours of quality, focused work. we shall see how it goes tomorrow. especially since i am bereft of ideas.