i have hermit in my genetics:

it can't be good when socializing begins to feel like a waste of time. i don't really understand why. i have enjoyed the time spent with people. i have wonderful and interesting people as friends.

perhaps it's the couple nights spent with people i hardly know. hanging in large groups of people i don't know gives me no pleasure. it only reminds me of how awkward i am. and i generally end up thinking about how i have no interest in getting to know new people. and becoming jealous of my friends who have no problem becoming the hit of any new group.

but then even the time spent with close friends has felt... i dunno. rote. i have several projects i could have spent my time on. half of which are paying projects. it feels like writing or drawing or reading or just sitting around listening to music would have been much more productive. like i am never going to improve myself and be stuck treading water if i keep being social and ignoring my desires to isolate. and i don't like feeling like that, because it makes me wonder if i am just lost to society.


but i can't help it. it seems like spending time in my room alone would reap more rewards.
i suppose i was just never been meant to be the social butterfly.



then this is the part where people tell me that if i just had confidence in myself and let people see the real me i would be a rising star of destiny. or something.
and then i roll my eyes.

i know i can be awesome (that looks really pompous typed out like that. i assume you know what i mean). i just don't really care to show most people that.
i fail to see how it's worth the effort in most cases.
apt apathetic.




how's that for a bitter entry?
i hope no one reading this feels insulted. it's not a personal thing. it's not even about specific people. i'm just missing essential parts necessary lately.



also, the more people that i don't really know that well that say they like reading my blog (or, perhaps even weirder, that they hear i have a cool blog) the more confused and semi-weirded out i get.
i'll never understand why anyone would enjoy reading about my gut rot.
but thanks.




and, finally, on a non-depressing note, today is scott's birthday. he doesn't read my blog. so i can say whatever i want and not feel weird about him reading it. heaven forbid i directly express my feelings with anyone. haha.
he is like a brother to me. in fact, it's quite possible he is closer to me than a brother (sorry any actual brothers that are reading this, i love you too). he knows me perhaps better than any other person that has breathed air on this planet. he believes in me more than almost anyone i know. he has more talent in a strand of his (wonderfully long and majestic) hair than 99% of the universe. and he doesn't brag about it. and he is patient. and kind. and lots of other things that are really good things to be. if i could give him anything for his birthday it would be for him to be able to see himself the way i (and many other people) see him. and a trillion dollars.
so, scott, thanks for being my friend. i would probably be really miserable without you. may you live one million more years. or the exact number more that you want to.




that's probably the only section of this entry i should even post.
oh well.

posted by adam @ 12:36 AM