i.
after enough time you learn to read it like a barometer.
the waves of nearly obscene self-regard and self-doubt,
self-hate even.
the readiness to pillage one's own coronation
by force.
the realization that barely dignified survival
is the ceiling.
back
and
forth.
pessimism/optimism.
death/birth.
ashes/fire.
vulture/phoenix.
oscillating at a higher and higher frequency.
the weather is right for change
hell, for something at least.
all he has to do is reach.
ii.
there it is.
the steady hum of anxiety
rising like a clarion call to action
the pulsing cries of crickets
back again so soon.
the same siren he felt
for a whole week before
he finally asked her.
for two hours he felt
giddy and panicked
wondering
what would happen next.
felt like he'd
jumped into
a frozen lake.
he'd be damned
if he let it drown him
again.
quotes
"He was not only not the person they thought he was (rich, lucky, shrewd), he was not the person he thought he was, either (useless, damaged, doomed). The truth was somewhere midway, and for the first time in his life he realized that he did not own it."
The Autograph Man
by Zadie Smith
page 299, last paragraph
hardcover first U.S. edition published by Random House, 2002
quotes
"It's not an accident. It's a decision I made, he says. A vain decision to suffer."
The Autograph Man
by Zadie Smith
page 280, eighth paragraph
hardcover first U.S. edition published by Random House, 2002
quotes
"He makes notes in his pad about the lunch he has just had, the scraps of conversation he is already forgetting, the deviousness of his bet friend, the significances of this and this, the symbolism of that and the other. It is all a sort of horrible betrayal of himself, of his whole life. Life is not just symbol, Jewish or goyish. Life is more than just a Chinese puzzle. Not everything fits. Not every road leads to epiphany. This isn't TV, Alex, this isn't TV.
Oh, so now, thinks Alex, you're having an epiphany about the importance of not having epiphanies. That's great.
Feeling glum and muddled, Alex begins walking at a clip, wishing he could get over himself, get out of himself, get out of his skin, just for a minute."
The Autograph Man
by Zadie Smith
page 151, middle of first paragraph
hardcover first U.S. edition published by Random House, 2002
quotes
"He understood that in all likelihood this sort of thinking would lead him to die lonely, without anyone. He told himself the story that this was the great tragedy of his heart. The great tragedy of his heart was that it always needed to be told a story."
The Autograph Man
by Zadie Smith
page 85, end of second paragraph
hardcover first U.S. edition published by Random House, 2002
All nerves on the way there.
All second guessing and self berating on the way back.
Life has been trying to teach me to be okay with uncertainty and ambiguity for years.
And it just isn't taking.
Ugh.
Keep getting red faced.
You're in trouble, son.
Another train
Like
Right
There
And I've never been good with knots.
a (very) short story
even after months(years?)
of being unable(willing?)
to write
he still writes about her
and three days ago
he wanted to sit
at a bookstore
and just read
in silence next to someone
and he thought of her
and two days ago
he dreamed of cake
and today
he wrote in old code
cause even still
he had to say things
without saying things
a (very) short story
he doesn't come across themvery often anymore
yet every time he does
he can see it
his jaws
quietly clenched
in every single picture
she ever took of him
and sometimes he wonders
how things would be now
if just one time
he had been able to relax
and smile for her
