"Ah, Misha, his is a stormy soul. His mind is held captive. There is a great and unresolved thought in him. He's one of those who don't need millions, but need to resolve their thought."
The Brothers Karamazov
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
(as translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky)
page 81, second to last paragraph
paperback edition published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002
little boy lost
he didn't know the cost
so the boatsman left him on the dock
stuck between here and there
and he's lost all his cares
close to death but still very much not
"Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love... A man who lies to himself is often the first to take offense. It sometimes feels very good to take offense, doesn't it? And surely he knows that no one has offended him, and that he himself has invented the offense and told lies just for the beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake of effect, that he has picked on a word and made a mountain out of a pea - he knows all of that, and still he is the first to take offense, he likes feeling offended, it gives him great pleasure, and thus he reaches the point of real hostility..."
The Brothers Karamazov
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
(as translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky)
page 44, middle paragraph
paperback edition published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002
"He even began to snivel. He was sentimental. He was wicked and sentimental."
The Brothers Karamazov
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
(as translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky)
page 25, last paragraph
paperback edition published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002
"In most cases, people, even wicked people, are far more naive and simple-hearted than one generally assumes. And so are we."
The Brothers Karamazov
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
(as translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky)
page 9, last two sentences
paperback edition published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002
never was one who could fight the funk
so he folded up his clothes and he packed a trunk,
a snack, a lunch and headed for the heart of the slump
sprayed shots from his tongue at the start of the bump
bump
boom-bap. set his tooth as a trap.
only fighting chance to get his youth back
but the reaper, she creaped, uh, gave him two smacks
a believer, his fever caused him to lose track
"i took it for a kiss, but it couldn't have been could it?
i see now what it is, we were just biting the same bullet.
you called it in the air, it landed on its edge
when the crowd gathers around you turn tail, i turn heads."
i have recently finished the three different tv series i have been watching before going to bed and have been searching for something to take their place.
tonight, as i was scrolling through options on netflix, twilight zone presented itself and i thought i should get back to watching it again.
then as i was trying to remember the last episode i watched to make sure i wasn't repeating anything i was reminded of the last time i had watched twilight zone.
and i recalled when.
and under what circumstances.
and which episode.
and it felt like it had been a really long time.
i would guess it feels much longer today than it may have three days ago.
and it made me feel a bit bummed.
and then i felt a bit silly for feeling bummed.
but also okay.
and that's the prologue to a lot of things really.
unextraordinary as it may be.
but also okay.
"i have been completely unable to maintain any semblance of relationship on any level
i have been a bastard to the people who have actively attempted to deliver me from peril
i have been acutely undeserving of the ear that listened up and lip that kissed me on the temple
i have been accustomed to a stubborn disposition that admits it wishes its history disassembled
i have been a hypocrite in sermonizing tolerance while skimming for a ministry to pretzel
i have been unfairly resentful of those i wish had acted different when the bidding was essential
i have been a terrible communicator prone to isolation over sympathy for devils
i have been my own worst enemy since the very genesis of rebels"
- aesop rock, "gopher guts"
this bridge has been completely dominating my day.
those are some damn rap lyrics right there.
i wish i had written them.
i feel them though.
It was the first time he had seen this friend in weeks. Maybe months. His mind couldn't seem to hold the dates in place anymore. It was a pleasant visit. A quick drop by. A bright blip in the slow, grey unfolding of his evening.
It wasn't until hours later that the thought occurred to him. A realization perhaps. She seemed happy.
He wasn't quite sure what it was. There were no obvious clues. No joyous events discussed. No broad smiles or even glowing eyes. Just something about her. A lightness.
It was fifteen minutes later that the thought occurred to him. A realization perhaps. He wasn't.
Not really.
He had just gotten good at faking it.
