the question becomes are your instincts correct or are your instincts lazy and cowardly?

see, most of my life i've been taught i can't really trust my instincts. my chemicals are off. they're wolves in instincts clothing.

so you go back and forth.

it seems clear. that it would be a good idea. and you're ready.
and it would help free a voice.
and build a movement.
and push progress.

but it won't.
and maybe you're just longing for something you can't have.
or a time that never was.
a look that was never really there.
not how you see it now.
and it could lead to so much pain.
and you're just trying to create an answer that isn't there if you don't force it.

but you're just too afraid to try.
you think you're too weak for failure.
and you just want to hold on to your grudges.
because it's easier.
and you feel like they are at least slightly deserved
and you're just too weak to move on.

but it would finally lead to some peace.
and a stop of what ifs and reevaluations.
and maybe you're stronger than you've ever given yourself credit for.

but you're not.
maybe you just want to believe you could be.

but you miss your friend.
and what they let you occasionally see through their eyes.

but they already decided.
and haven't looked back.

but
but

so there i am. typing. highlighting. deleting. retyping. highlighting. deleting. close the tab. click the name. typing. highlighting. deleting.

pulse rate rising over three letters.

with no decision in sight.

posted by adam @ 12:32 AM