Steno Pool

2012-01-26T02:31:00.000-07:00

lately i keep thinking of stuff i could write about or old stuff i could post or whatever but it never really feels that pressing. never feels worth it, i guess. not new enough or better versions of old topics maybe.

anyway, as i was thinking about that, this popped into my head. i guess it's about the stuff i was thinking of writing. it needs work. but it's something for you to read. so that's better than nothing, right?

it's masturbatory and useless
it's wholly whory and fruitless
we've all heard the story so shoot us
quit acting like the only on who's warring with judas

but the bottom line is, you betrayed yourself
so leave all that he-say, she-say on the shelf
...

i don't really know where it would go from there.
for whatever reason i kinda like it.
maybe i just like calling myself out on occasion.

on a separate note, i just uploaded the final masters for do yourself in to the replication place. it's actually a thing that will exist and be out in the world in less than two weeks. kinda crazy.

i already wanna make the next one. and make it even better.

2012-01-20T01:46:00.000-07:00

get your money lined up.
i'm gonna start taking orders on sunday around noon, mountain time.

Do Yourself In Pre-orders

2012-01-17T00:53:00.005-07:00

are you apt?

2012-01-11T19:49:00.002-07:00

my own private hell:

they said "he should get to you with the results by wednesday or so."
right about now i am really hating that or so part.

2012-01-11T11:58:00.002-07:00

but at least i author my own disaster:

it's so embarrassing to need someone
like i do you
how can i explain
i need you here
and not here too
how can i explain

i need you here
and not here too...
things could be different,
but they're not.
...
sometimes i wonder if you're mythologizing me
like i do you.

such a great song

we want our film to be beautiful, not realistic.

2012-01-09T23:14:00.002-07:00

now the weight rests on wednesday
and it feels like life should be on hiatus
until on wednesday
when clarity is evaded yet again
and more prodding is scheduled
and the weight shifts to another day
and on
and on
until the scaffolding collapses

it's an awful lonely feeling
but i can fake fine with the best of them
just ask around
they won't even know what you're asking about

really i just need someone who's willing to let me fall apart in front of them.
and who i want to fall apart in front of.

2012-01-04T23:34:00.003-07:00

i've been semi-obsessed with this album lately.

2011-12-28T10:19:00.001-07:00

it's the kind of dream that i enjoy in the moment
and wish that i would stop having
the most bittersweet of cake.

2011-12-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

sometimes on these visits, in just the right quiet moments - with the wind blowing across the river and the tribune tower hovering - i get sentimental.

the kind of sentimental that makes me wish my arm wasn't empty. that makes me want to have someone to show off all these things to. show off my family. show of the place i'm from. the place that somehow buried itself in me while i wasn't paying attention. the place i didn't know well enough to appreciate when i was here to appreciate it. the people who became pieces of me. the pieces of them that made me how i am. the hidden genesis. the unseen roots.

show it because it's a part of me that not many people know. a part that means a lot. that is special. and not easily illuminated.

parts of me that i only now know are important.

sometimes on these visits, in just the right quiet moments - with the wind blowing in from the lake and the band shell glowing - i let my mind wander.
i let it feel your weight keeping my arm warm on the michigan avenue bridge.
your eyes smiling while i explain the cliche, boring tourist facts that everyone already knows.
they die the river green on st. patricks day. and it kinda stays green all year now.
long ago they reversed the flow of the river.
it's called the second city because they rebuilt it better after the fire.
not because it's second rate.
a phoenix from the ashes.
like me.

it could have been you.
but i shouldn't think that way anymore.

it can be someone else.
someone who wants to find it.
the empty arm in the shy city.

2011-12-24T18:03:00.001-07:00

i meant to post this last night after my flight:

some day i will have someone
who wants to travel with me
and we will fall asleep
leaning into each other

until then i will
continue to push myself
into the cold, unwelcoming plastic
of the window well

2011-12-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

it's not the crying that i found beautiful.
not the contortion of the face.
the pained squint of the eyes.
the tear trickling.

it was the vulnerability behind it.

the meaning transforming the aesthetic.

and i hope it's always like that.

2011-12-24T17:59:00.000-07:00

my week with marilyn:

i just got back from watching my week with marilyn.
i had read a little at work about it. just some short things that it was good, but nothing that had me super, super excited about it.

i ended up thoroughly enjoying it.
it kind of feels like i saw it at just the exact specific right moment. like over the last little while my mind has been consciously and unconsciously dwelling on just the right things for the experience of watching this movie to ignite a bunch of thoughts. if i had seen it in a few weeks it might have been a completely different experience.

it made me think a lot about the things i find appealing about people. in both platonic and non-platonic ways. how i seem to like damaged or vulnerable people. i have a soft spot for them. perhaps because i identify myself as one. it really helped me clarify the whole concept of the underdogg in my mind. i can't speak for chance, but i feel like we have similar thoughts on what we mean by underdogg and i feel like other people don't really get it. not that it's too advanced or anything. just that we've never spelled it out. it's really clear in my mind now. i just need to figure out how to express it.

i feel like there's so many things i could say about the thoughts that came to mind but this isn't the right forum. i can't give it the time and concentration it would take for clarity here. i wish i had people here to talk about this stuff with right now.

that's actually tangential to another one of the thoughts i had. but i can't explain it right now. haha.

suffice to say that for whatever reason watching this movie was a catalyst for my mind tonight.
and i am really glad it was.

see it if you get the chance.
you may not have the same experience, but even so it's definitely worth a view.

2011-12-22T23:20:00.000-07:00

things to get done while i am home:

- t-shirt designs
- ticket designs
- assembling of liner notes
- memorizing of lvotvg and uncle
- pricing pre-order packages
- register domain names
- register/start setting up online shop
- website designs
- shot list for get down video
- shot list for promo videos
- portrait inspirations
- find places to get quotes/turnaround time for replication
- trevor project
- pick lyric quotes
- make a wearechancelewis.com header
- hope my gut pains go away/diminish
- eat ilforno's pizza

and, umm..... oh yeah...

- have fun

2011-12-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

something i meant to post at least a month ago:

it was my friend's birthday and there were a handful of us gathered to celebrate. as part of the festivities we played a cheesy party game where you write a random question (preferably about someone in the room or that everyone in the room knows) on a piece of paper. then the questions are all gathered up and mixed up. you pick out a question and write an answer for it. the papers get mixed up again. you pick a piece of paper and ask the question, then the next person reads the answer for the question on their piece of paper. that way you get the humor of the made up answers for the relevant questions (so long as you pay attention and put things in the correct order in your mind) and the goofiness of getting off-the-wall answers from other questions (similar to the off-the-wall goofiness of a madlibs).

i think i came up with some pretty good questions. one involved prince being in a strictly platonic same-sex relationship with someone there. another was about someone secretly being a creation of the jim henson workshop. just some light-hearted, goofy fun.

it was only later that night, while alone in my room trying to sleep, that i thought of what would have been the perfect question.

what if adam had some courage?

write your own answers.

i tend to avoid mine.

2011-12-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

don't mind me, i need this for later.gonna have to rework it a lot more than i thought i would. ugh.#i_am_apt ...God bless the sidekicks, God bless the tangential, God bless the losers, God bless the thirdies, God bless the weirdos. God bless. 8:58 PM Jun 19th from Tweed webOS#Adam Apti_am_apt God bless the awkward, God bless the #underdogg, God bless the quiet, God bless the overlooked, God bless the invisible...

2011-12-11T03:50:00.001-07:00

2011-12-08T20:10:00.001-07:00

"a flat chested, gap toothed girl was the best thing i've been so far"

damn i need to find a dessa.

"hoping we could trade. just for tonight. i could borrow your heart, you could borrow mine. not much for collateral, tattered and battle scarred, but i can promise you solemn i'll be back for it tomorrow. i only need yours this evening..."

2011-12-08T02:13:00.001-07:00

i was gonna write this post that was like a prediction of what will happen tomorrow.
i would write it now.
and set it to post tomorrow around this time.
and we'd see how correct i was.
(i would probably be really correct)

but that's a dumb idea.

i have a lot of dumb ideas.
especially related to this blog.

so instead listen to this podcast i was on.

http://www.wavehorseproductions.com/category/100-block/

and pray for my guts to stop rotting.
and my mind to clear.

2011-12-06T01:16:00.001-07:00

if i had found an episode of this american life that i wanted to fall asleep to twenty minutes ago these last three posts wouldn't even exist.

the thoughts behind them might not either.

these are the tiny grains on which the universe is built.

try not to think about it too much.

2011-12-06T01:08:00.001-07:00

there are some thoughts i have which i have nowhere to put.
they are homeless.
because everywhere they turn there are eyes they do not want to be seen by.
eyes that should be tired of the reruns by now anyway.

i fear the fact i have nowhere to bury them
makes them undead zombies
forever haunting me.

eating my brains.
invading my guts.

-----------------------
so i post crap like this instead.
ugh.
why do you read this?

2011-12-06T00:58:00.001-07:00

how many times will i think i see a light at the end of the tunnel only to find it's just a trick of the eyes before i finally decide to just poke my eyes out?

jump cut to the end.

man lives last days stuck inside head.
just like his head always wanted him to.

2011-11-30T22:05:00.001-07:00

won't you come to this?:

2011-11-30T21:19:00.003-07:00

the hunt:

this song is brilliant.
so powerful that sometimes i can't listen to it.

"was it foolish of me
to hope you would never go
to hope you would never go

i would have loved to know your mind
and your heart
the things you love
the way you see
i would have loved to hear
your voice
and your thoughts
such beauty
makes me feel so lost

oh how i loved you more
than you'll know."

(i probably got some of those words wrong. but that's how i want to hear it.)

the moth and the flame
buy the album. it worth the five dollars for this song alone.

2011-11-30T20:40:00.003-07:00

a tribute to melancholy music:

if you actually listened to all those all the way through i am very impressed.

2011-11-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

inverse (sort of):

guess who doesn't want to actually be productive tonight.

2011-11-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

reruns:

sea change:

the sea change
wasn’t ascension
it was a crash

i’ve never been
very good
at reading the
signs

she saw it
a mile away

abandon ship//

untitled fragment:

so here we are again. i mean right there / blank stare waiting for the light’s white glare

2011-11-30T20:01:00.001-07:00

a (very) short story rerun (now with new musical accompaniment):

'it's unfortunate,'

he thought to himself
as he stared at the mirror
and watched a tear
run down
a red cheek,

'that i
look best
when i am sad.

and that she
looked so beautiful
crying.'

2011-11-30T19:58:00.001-07:00

another depressing post:

today
i feel like
crying.

but i don't
want to
cry
alone.

dear lord,
please,
take this cross
back.
i can no longer
carry it.
i have
no
such
strength.

2011-11-29T20:44:00.001-07:00

stole the first bit:

i don't need
brighter days

just give me
time
to let my eyes
adjust

die
late

2011-11-27T02:00:00.002-07:00

another blog early exclusive (by maybe an hour):

some of the design work i've been doing for the album underdogg by chance lewis.

photo by trevor christensen. editing and design by me.

i'm pretty pleased with what i've done so far.

i'm also on two of the songs on the album.
and i'll be playing the release show on dec. 10.
poster soon.

2011-11-24T01:36:00.002-07:00

fresh new trash:

you know it's pretty much doomtree week and i couldn't go a day of posting without something doomtree related, right?

buy no kings.

doomtree - fresh new trash

"man, i think i'll just head home / headstrong. reciting every word on my headstone."

2011-11-24T01:27:00.001-07:00

new obsession:

i want things like this stuff so very badly lately.

zana bayne.

2011-11-23T23:57:00.000-07:00

non-work work:

2011-11-23T01:28:00.005-07:00

no kings / no forehead hair:

today i

• didn't climb out of the bathroom window
• wore my no kings shirt
• combed my hair different
• bandaged my feet
• thought up some promo video ideas
• played open mic
• worked on chance's album art
• became corey's dress up doll
• spent a large amount of money on cheese and other thanksgiving day snacks
• found some super awesome fashiony things that i probably cannot at all afford
• coveted said things
• while hatching a plan to find some cheap(er) knock off type options
• listened to doomtree's no kings
• a lot

tomorrow i

• must get to work early
• and work at least an hour and a half extra
• have insane amounts of fun for tyler's birthday celebration
• work more on chance's album art
• write
• write
• write
• memorize
• try not to think about it
• or what it means
• listen to doomtree's no kings
• a lot

bonus picture:

ever listen to a song and feel like it's calling you out? though he doesn't know it, i think sims is calling me out.

"you fell for the trojan horse / who want it more? / it's already yours"

2011-11-21T22:54:00.005-07:00

my inadvertent adventure (or, that'll teach you to sleep in, you idiot):

today i found myself unexpectedly thrust into an inadvertent adventure. an accidental quest to get to work.

the circumstances from which this quandary of a journey emerged was not my fault. but all that followed was very much due to my own decisions. but in the end i regret nothing. haha.

the doornob and lock on the bathroom door have been a bit tricky lately. there have been multiple times where the door feels locked despite not actually being locked. this included one occasion when i woke up three separate times one night to find the bathroom locked each time. i cursed my bad luck at having to pee so bad but waking up three different times at the exact time someone else was in the bathroom (or in the bathroom for one long, and i can only imagine gnarly, trip). in the morning i come to discover that no one had actually been in the bathroom. the door had been closed and felt locked but really it only needed a stronger turn to discover it was unlocked all along.

anyway, as i was preparing to get ready for the day with a bathroom trip and some brushing of the teeth i hear my alarm going off in my room. i thought to myself, i should go turn that off and grab my towel so i can shower. i turned the little thing on the knob to the unlocked position and tried to turn the knob. it was stuck. surely this was just a case of the knob being sticky again. i would turn with much more force. nothing. i tried turning it back to locked and then unlocking again. still no luck. it was at this point that i realized the lock was probably broken and stuck in the locked position. i chuckled a little at the silly inconvenience. then i realized that no one else was home.

i was locked in the bathroom.

this was still a little funny to me. but i had to figure out a way out because i was already quite late for work.

i had my laptop with me (because i pretty much must have music at all times and i listen to stuff off my laptop when i am getting ready for the day - i refuse to think it is weird that i take my laptop into the bathroom so shut up), so my first thought was to tweet my roommate, chance, something along the lines of "HELP! I'm stuck in the bathroom! Come get me out." it would be embarrassing but also funny.

then i remembered the window.

there is a window in the bathroom that is large enough for me to climb out of. it is adjacent to the balcony/porch that leads into the kitchen. it would be a bit of a possibly dangerous maneuver to get out the window to the balcony but it was definitely doable. and it would be bad ass.

how often does one get to escape through a bathroom window? that only happens in the movies and the television. i got a little excited at the ridiculous wonderfulness of this possibility.

if i somehow messed up and fell it would be very bad. two story drop. unpleasant.

i decided to take a shower, get as ready for the day as i could and escape through the window.

i never bothered tweeting chance and instead tweeted "this might be a really dumb idea."

it is only now, after all has unfolded that i realize i was worried about the wrong part of this dumb idea.

i made my way out the window and successfully reached the balcony. it was pretty easy, actually.

as i turned to make my way back into the house, i realized that i probably wouldn't be able to make it back into the bathroom so i should close the window. cause i wouldn't want to leave it open in the rainy cold. first i went to close the outside window (which doesn't lock) but thought better of it as we always leave it open so it's easy to vent the bathroom of steam and whatnot. instead i closed the inner window (which locks by itself).

as i heard the window click into place and turned around to head to the sliding door and my successful escape my mind started grinding into motion (a bit late).

i just climbed out the window (successfully escaping being trapped in the bathroom!) and locked myself out of the house.

what a dolt.

for some strange reason it had not occurred to me until that moment that none of the doors would be unlocked. the foolishness of my plan immediately washed over me. i had gotten far too caught up in the fun adventurousness of climbing out a window.

just to paint the proper picture, i was now standing out on the balcony/porch in my v-neck undershirt, pajama pants and no socks or shoes. and it was somewhere in the upper 30s.

at this point i began berating myself for my impetuousness.

while also trying to figure out some way back into the house.

i tried the doors and windows. all locked.

i knocked on the doors and rang the doorbell, just in case someone happened to be home. nope.

i thought of going to the neighbors to borrow a phone and call chance. a solid plan. if it was about 15 years ago. in this age of cell phones i only remember about 5 phone numbers. my own cell number, the phone number for my childhood home and 3 other numbers from before i had a cell phone. that option was out.

i could try and wait it out until alchi's parents returned home from work (alchi is another of my roommates. as are her parents). that could be hours. probably not a good idea.

for a moment i thought of breaking a window. not really feasible.

i thought i could try and credit card the lock on one of the doors. i didn't have any sort of credit card object with me, so i decided to try and find something (this is aside from the fact that i've never carded a door open in my life and i'm not sure i'd be able to figure it out). i found a random fork and a box of copper pipes. neither was of any use. although i did attempt something with the fork for about ten seconds.

as i was foraging for breaking and entering materials i came across a pair of rudy's (alchi's dad) sandals sitting out on the downstairs porch. i had previously thought of going to a friend's house to see if i could reach chance on their phone/computer/etc but didn't want to wander the streets barefoot. this would solve that problem. there was also a random box of things to be taken to d.i. in which i found a green flannel shirt. this would help with the cold. (note: even when wearing a random, cast away flannel i button the buttons all the way to the top. and would have tucked it in if not for the fact i was wearing pajama pants.)

unfortunately both of my bikes had flat tires and alchi and chance's bikes were locked together so i couldn't use any of them. but rudy had a bike. and it wasn't locked up. i could ride the bike to several places until i found someone who was home. things were looking up.

i slipped on the shirt, the sandals and grabbed the bike. as i rolled it out something felt wrong. both tires were flat. crap.

but this could be fixed! i had a pump out on the balcony.... which i had moved inside two nights ago after having left it out for months. crap.

looks like i would have to go on foot. not such a big deal. i walk a lot. though not usually in glorified pajamas.

i would go to heather and jesse's place first as it was closest and jesse was the most likely to be home. jesse is a teacher so he gets off earlier than most working people. as i made my way towards their apartment i saw some high school kids walking home. this was a good sign. school was out. there was a chance he would be home.

i walked the two blocks or so to their place and found that jesse's car was not in the parking lot. no need to give up, perhaps heather would randomly be home. ring the doorbell. knock. no luck.

off to the next stop.

i decided that allison and kristina's house was the next best option. they weren't that far away and it was quite possible one of them would have chance or alchi's number so i could call.

it was on the way to their house that i realized the sandals were a bit on the large side. and were rubbing the skin of my big toes a bit raw. i'd have a bit of a sore, but no worries. i would soon be safely inside my own house. or at least somewhere that wasn't outside.

as i walked up towards their house i could see that none of their cars were there. no one would be home. where to next?

pearl's house was just a couple more blocks away. if i was lucky she would be working and sitting right there at her computer in the living room and all would be solved. i'd be embarrassed and maybe awkward but all would be solved. off to pearl's.

this is when i noticed that my toes were starting to bleed. and it kind of hurt.

no time for such concerns. onward.

turning the corner towards pearl's house i saw that her car was in the driveway. in fact there were many cars about. someone would be home.

ring the bell. knock the door.
multiple times.
no answer.
dang.

enough time had passed that jesse would have to be home by now. as long as he didn't have a class tonight. i decided to head back the way i came.

i tend to walk faster than most people. on my way back i end up passing by an old woman on the sidewalk. as i pass she is muttering something to herself. i think something along the lines of 'what are you saying old lady? you're weird' only to remember seconds later that i am patrolling the streets in pajamas and sandals. she was probably muttering something about the weird homeless pajama man that was chasing her.

walked back past allison and kristina's house. still no one.

bloody toes. lots of scrapped up skin. that's kinda gross.

back to heather and jesse's. jesse's car is there. yes.

ring the doorbell.
nothing.

i know that jesse will sometimes not answer the door if he isn't expecting someone.

knock on the door. with some urgency.
nothing.

i am not leaving. he must be home.

right as i am thinking of yelling "jesse! it's me! answer the door!" i hear the lock being undone.
the door opens.
yes.

i explain the situation to jesse and have him take a picture of my bloody feet because the whole time i am wandering around i am thinking about how i must tell this story on my blog. haha.

we head to my place of employment to borrow chance's key so i can get in the house.

i make my way to chance as fast as possible so as to avoid anyone seeing me in pajama pants. give him a quick explanation and get his keys.

jesse and i return to my house and i get dressed and ready for work.

on the way back to work i reward myself for my bravery and fortitude in the face of such adversity with a double cheeseburger combo from wendy's.

i get to work super late and am only able to work 3 hours and 15 minutes.

but, i had a delightful adventure.

the l.l. bean shirt that kept me warm:

bleeding feet murphy:

the sandals what did it:

why, yes, that is blood and a chunk of flesh on them:

2011-11-17T23:11:00.002-07:00

"relax, yes, i'm trying. but fears got a hold on me":

once one thing gets better something else falls apart.
like watching dominoes fall.
what'll it spell out in the end.

i can't even write.
if i could write then at least there'd be something useful from it all.

"gotta dig a bigger hole
but you can never climb out
just burrow and burrow
you can never climb out
just keep, keep diggin'
and watch the clock
cause once you stop
the meter's ticking"

2011-11-15T00:18:00.002-07:00

things i did today that i haven't done in quite a while:

- listened to a nine inch nails album that wasn't the fragile
- ate some pound cake
- chilled in a hot tub
- chilled in a pool
- chilled in a hot tub some more
- wore my fluevogs to work
- posted to my blog two days in a row

things i did today that i have never done before:

- took the bus home from work and got off on the correct stop
- talked to gilbert about a collabo
- wore some sweat wicking gym shorts (though not for the purpose of wicking sweat)
- wore my back chat shirt

really this whole post was just an excuse to mention the hot tub/pool because i know some people would find it surprising/humorous.

sometimes you just gotta stretch for a post. haha.

2011-11-13T23:41:00.003-07:00

i think more of my sundays should be like this.

i lazed about in bed til 3.
showered and got dressed.
then started cooking dinner at 4.
i made lasagna.
and garlic bread.
and asparagus.
and broccoli.
and there were grapes too.
ate with some friends.
and my wonderful housemates chance and alchi.
and alchi's parents.
played some super nintendo.
heather and jesse came over with pie and crusters.
thanksgiving scheming was done.
jovial conversations were had.
pie was eaten.
played some more super nintendo.
rap life scheming was done.
worked with chance on a beat for my album.
still doing that right now.
it's a wonder watching him work.

here's a little exclusive for my blog reading faithful.
my e.p. will be titled do yourself in.
and it will be released on february 4.
clear your calendar.
i expect to see you there.
(if you live within a 60 mile radius)
(and if you don't but you still wanna come that would be incredible)

this is probably the most normal blog like entry on this blog ever.
i think (especially in lieu of the recent posts) i just wanted to make the point that while life is on (many) occasion(s) difficult,
it is also
good.

i am happy
right now.

i hope you are too.

2011-11-12T00:07:00.002-07:00

a couple old things i've been meaning to post but never bothered to:

a (very) short story:

'it's unfortunate,'

he thought to himself
as he stared at the mirror
and watched a tear
run down
a red cheek,

'that i
look best
when i am sad.

and that she
looked so beautiful
crying.'

hillside i:

there were reminders all over town,
landmarks he tried to avoid.
there were reminders all over his ipod,
sounds he tried to avoid.
there were reminders all over his mind,
moments he tried to avoid.
there were reminders all over his body,
touches that avoided him.

2011-11-11T23:58:00.005-07:00

the last month and more:

so what shall we rebuilt with the wreckage this time?
or perhaps we shouldn't bother.

just let the face numb then fade.

so much that could be said. but very little point in saying it.
just hold the emotions in reserve for a song or something.
that seems to be the only thing that isn't a complete waste of my time.
just mostly a waste. haha.

but, seriously, fuck the last year.
and all the things i wasted so much time on.
and, most of all, fuck me for letting it be that way.
wise up, jackass.

2011-10-21T22:33:00.003-07:00

i really preferred worrying about / stressing over the things i was worrying about / stressing over a week or so ago over the things i am this week.

who knew i would miss that?

gimme gimme resolution.

2011-10-15T23:37:00.001-07:00

i really hope it's just my brain being paranoid and over-reacting.
please.

2011-10-09T17:18:00.003-07:00

mantra*:

the season by prof

i ain't fuck around no more, this is my life
fuck nice, i've already tried being polite
so i'ma grab a whip, grab a gun, grab a knife
and i'ma roll around and stick up everything in sight

everybody throw your hands in the sky
if you're ready to rob then i'm ready to ride

*by mantra i of course mean the way i wish i could think and feel but which i pretty much can't cause i'm too stuck in my timid ways. something to strive towards i guess.

you can download the whole album king gampo for free here.

2011-10-09T16:55:00.003-07:00

so let 'em come and let 'em go / we'll let 'em know that we grow from our loses:

sage's second verse on this. whoa.
i want to write songs this good.

Let Em Come REDUX (Scroobius Pip, Sage Francis, Metermaids, Cecil Otter) by Strange Famous Records

it's suspect, suss this out
set off my spider sense and i fumigate the house
remember that spot, your old haunt
where you caught wonderlust when your lust wandered and you got caught
i fought for your honor and i lost
my friends said i bet on the wrong horse
i got a gambling habit that i just can't quit
your therapist wants to help you understand
what a guy. what a lie. what am i? chopped liver?
serve me up raw at your pot-luck dinner
watch your physical size materialize
a lost soul with no spiritual guide
you got a home with an energy that i don't trust
enter the living room and light bulbs bust
white bulb dust from the banister, i'm an amateur
ghost buster holding an empty canister
i managed my way through your labyrinth
discovered a dungeon full of captives
your tongue is a cactus, could dry mouth a desert
breathing in all that hot air made my chest hurt
desperate flirt, your words are tumbleweeds
you network with grave robbers, my plot's under siege
but it's been so long since i've seen the saw
and i'ma greet it with the warmest of welcomes

2011-10-06T00:13:00.002-07:00

a song for my friends who are gone, one way or another

song: lift the curse by astronautalis
image: liu bolin

2011-10-01T12:29:00.002-07:00

errol flynn:

when i look in the mirror and see this ridiculousness staring back

i will think to myself, "why do you let yourself look so foolish?"

and there are two answers that immediately pop into mind.

the first one is the first line of this song (not the "i'm sorry i took so long" part).

which kinda naturally transitions into the second answer.

why not?

2011-09-28T23:11:00.002-07:00

i am very much looking forward writing this song. i just need the right beat. i've already had one million ideas. it can go anywhere. it's gonna be great. trust me.

gimme gimme
knuckles splitting
open skin

gimme gimme
blood runs warm
gimme
dim

gimme
iris in
gimme
blackout
gimme
fainting

gimme gimme
violence
as more than
a daydream

2011-09-24T01:48:00.002-07:00

"give me a lever and a place to stand, i'll move the world":

now i have the place to stand.
i think i have the lever.
let' move.

i just got back from hanging out at the new house.
i am so happy.

it's finally official. jr. swiss and i got the keys during our lunch break. i've seen my future room. everything is being mentally put into place. i can build my new home. i can finally stop feeling like i'm treading and waiting for some sort of turning point. this is it. i will make sure it's so.

i'll turn everything myself if i have to.

#riseinthefall
#dyi

this is exactly what i needed after what felt like a really mediocre show.

bed shopping tomorrow!
moving lots of heavy boxes of things!

here's an awesome song for you to listen to!:

astronautalis - dimitri mendeleev

buy this album. it's probably the best of the year so far.
"won't be held back, won't be tied up, won't be pinned down"

2011-09-21T23:53:00.002-07:00

"i wasn't cursed with a dark side, i was just normal." (some random things):

this song is fantastic. i was gonna post quotes but i would have ended up posting almost all of the song.

scroobius pip - broken promise

sometimes i feel like i have so very much to say. but i don't want to say it for whatever reason (and they are probably numerous and varying). and i feel a little ridiculous that these are the things that occupy my mind so easily. mostly in the quiet moments. when i am most likely to write in my head.

chance played me a new beat he's been working on and it made my insides jump. like the moment you realize you have a crush and the person just walked into the room and you're seeing everything about them in one glance. or at least what you want to be everything about them. i like when that happens. i wanna make babies with this beat. or just a good song.

by this time next week i will be in my new home. i think this could help lead to great things.

i'll also be spending a lot of money on a new bed and bed things probably. any suggestions for sheets, mattresses, whatever?

some of you friends of mine say that the only rap you like is mine (hi, maddison. haha). these same people (and others) ask for mixes of good stuff, which i am too lazy to make. i'm gonna try and make some short ones on 8track at some point. for now, check out the following albums that i have been listening to a lot lately. this is just stuff that's come out this year. ready, set, spotify!

sims - bad time zoo
scroobius pip - distraction pieces
astronautalis - this is our science
grieves - together/apart
prof - king gampo (this is probably the least likely to appeal. it's much more braggy, obnoxious, vulgar, "dumb" than the others. but i kind of love it for whatever reason. and there are a couple absolute gems on it. i think the swagger of it is something that just fits really well for me lately.)

i'll probably make an 8track playlist with stuff from those by the end of the weekend.

it's a shame people chase swag. they should chase swagger. off by a syllable. swagger of a revolutionary.

come to my show on friday. it's at muse. i'm gonna rap. and, hopefully, i will let out everything that is inside of me and share it with you.

"turns out hell does have a bottom. and heaven a ceiling."

2011-09-06T22:04:00.002-07:00

as yet untitled:

i guess i've really been slacking on the lyric posting. sorry.

i don't feel like taking the time to do what i wanted to do when posting orion's reboot so i'll post the lyrics for as yet untitled instead.

from the city of big shoulders to city of salt
pushing thick boulders, plan to revolt
sisyphus quits. from stan to gestalt
been biding my time, keep that sand in a vault
rush. grain's free, dust slide avalance
stand tall to happenstance, cross armed, battle stance
or get swept up and drown in the gravel ash
no. just let go of the damages
breathe. make that chest heave
and never let 'em tell you who's next to bleed
i make my own cuts. get myself sewn up
through all the travails exhale so cold crush
let 'em gold rush, i'll just sit still
make my shambles look so fishscale
callin' out for that king james help
sometimes you've just got to sing for self
don't get caught in that what can i do for ya?
end up on some skip to my lucifer
watching fate as it sets those pyres
but i'm gonna set myself on fire

from the midwest to the wester midwest
take this distress and push it out my thin chest
this is the precipice on which we stand
the border between clarity and going mad
this wire on which we tightrope boogaloo
all these looks askew, i already took a few
hangin' from a string for all these years
string strong enough to outlast wrench in gears
another one of those test them years
write it up, send it off, pray that the check clears
head in sand or run from the land?
maybe stand tall like sun in his hand
high noon, time to supply the demand
stop glancing at demons start firing at them
let death in, i'm sure she'll know me
recognize me by the grudges i'm holding

from the great plains to the happy valley
dodging bullets in this shooter's gall'ry
might consider this the throwing of a bone
i'm prone to say it's the disowning of a throne
take your notes, put 'em in your tomes
but let it be known we're never sovereign or rome
crown off. melt to gristle and gold
and bury it deep under thistle and cold
grip your wit like a pistol to hold
step back. be missed from the fold
new tribe, new eyes, new stride
make new mistakes let the old ones retire
strike that match, light the rag, here, catch
bridges or towers they all catch wreck
soot faced, all in a day's trouble
fingers bent back, make life say uncle

2011-09-03T01:20:00.002-07:00

i'm glad to have my old ipod back.

p.o.s - p.o.s. is ruining my life

if you calm down and just breathe and just breathe in and out you'll feel a whole lot better close your eyes disappear if you can't see them then they can't see you right close your eyes

icouldneverbewhatiwannabenothingbutamannothingseveninsideofme
nothingicantunderstandifitryandsoitrytogetagripaholdahandleahand
closeyoureyes

2011-08-24T18:13:00.002-07:00

since i promised a friend i would post them, the following posts shall be the lyrics to the new songs i did at the last show.

let's start with proof of concept.

you can listen to the song and download it (for free!), if you'd like.
Proof of Concept feat. Chance Lewis by i_am_apt

chance lewis does a little verse on the song. he definitely brings it.

nothing deep on this one. just some rapping for rapping's sake, i guess.

apt:
lets consider this a little proof of concept
some toothless nonsense to uproot your conscience
a useless tonic sold with futile promise
so take a little sip and let it sooth your monsters
was that best kept secret, now this cat's out the bag
on that next step sweetness. they peddlin' swag
keep that chest left beatin', they lettin' it drag
so tell these devilish wags to keep their medals, congrats
ain't this the craziest thing you've ever seen
awkward kid in button-up ripping it clean
i mean like meat off the bones, completes beats with his tones
defeats weak kneed clones with such diligent means
he's killin' em sweet with the smallest strings ever played
gonna set it straight from now until the better days
so on your mark, get set, push in that peddle race
and let me demonstrate how it is that i can sever face
your coda's a waste, you feel sorta disgraced
it's time to quit ace, just fold up the base
people wantin' punchlines all over the place
well then consider these lines like a punch to your face

chance lewis:
obviously evident 100 block president
hesitant to be a resident who experiments with medicine
slept on like sedatives. let it be said again
if rap is the subject, apt is the predicate.
communicate in treble clefs. speakin' my language
not sayin' i'm a tastemaker but muse kinda did name a sandwich after me
so i have to keep rappin'
i'll pow your ass in caps like alex or a batman caption
kill you with kindness, expose closed-mindedness
didn't they tell you i'm an antisocial scientist
got john white and alred to play a show, cure color blindness
let's cut the crap like landlines, let's blur this genre line mess

apt:
not saying i'm number one.. ha! sorry, i lied
i'm number one through like one million seven hundred five
maybe severed inside but i'm settled in the vibe
the left of center measure people beggin' to ride
can't stop, won't stop. no it's not a name drop
it's modus operandi from now until i take top
of the mountain talking head of the piled on
i'm clownin' the crowned while i'm bustin' through pylons
your mind's wrong if you think you're stepping to my songs
trying to come up, i'm telling you time's wrong
from gutterpunks to soccer moms to preppies rockin' izod
apt, you can find me in the a's of their ipods

bonus points if you can identify the references to two of my favorite rappers in my second verse. not that it's all that hard.

extra bonus points if you can tell which line is my favorite one in the song. one of those lines that just all the sudden pops into your head out of nowhere and fits perfectly, meaning-wise, cadence-wise and everything.

super extra bonus points if you can tell me what that line is in apt is the new nervous.

i should not, these bonus points are most likely worthless.

i think the lyrics for orion's reboot shall be tomorrow.

2011-08-15T23:49:00.001-07:00

so many posts i've been meaning to put up but i never get around to.
instead i post this.
maybe later this week i can get them up.

i know you're just dying with anticipation.

2011-08-14T23:24:00.001-07:00

this sucks.
everything else is okay.
but this one thing
pretty much sucks.

2011-07-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

as long as i can hit my notes:

2011-07-25T22:44:00.000-07:00

work pic 002:

2011-07-25T21:10:00.001-07:00

file this under "people who say the only rap they like is mine could like this too" or "(possibly) better version of apt" (even though the video is pretty cheesy):

2011-07-25T18:07:00.003-07:00

changed my mind.
i've got plenty of material on my own, probably.

#neversovereign

wonder if i'll leave this up. (i didn't)

2011-07-22T22:20:00.002-07:00

sometimes when i read something great
or see a great drawing
or hear a great song
i pause and think about all the wasted time.
and then i waste some more.

i'll lap them tomorrow.
with ink stained fingers
and dark ringed eyes.
and they'll wonder
where i came from.

#dyi

2011-07-21T19:45:00.002-07:00

a list of phrases/mantras that probably won't mean much of anything to anyone else (in hashtag form):

#everyneverisnow
#nokings
#allkings
#riseinthefall
#dyi
#fateisdead
#neversovereign
#thatsthepaniccoming

2011-07-19T22:14:00.003-07:00

i miss when i used to write all the time.
i'm not sure when it happened.
or how.
but i seem to be
afraid of the phrase.

i'm not even sure what i have to say,
really.

there's got to be something.
otherwise this is all just a cruel joke.

but God is a great comedian.

and i've never been too good
to be a punchline.

i guess there's naught to do
but let the black marks run.
and do myself in.

let's write.

#dyi

2011-07-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

all my friends are shoes:

2011-07-13T23:56:00.003-07:00

and so begins the (semi)itinerant life.
let us consider it our hero's journey through the underworld.
from which he shall emerge a reborn myth-hero savior.
of himself.

2011-07-07T23:57:00.002-07:00

work pic 001:

2011-07-07T23:28:00.002-07:00

"i am a simple man / i don't ask for much / but an angel's touch" (or, some examples why i love saul williams [from just part of one of his albums]):

"the minute or the moment / how you think is your opponent / if you're listening right now, close your eyes and count to / one"

look to the sun

"patience / over / anxiety / it's hard to remember the / love that / sprang from / simplicity"

patience

"give it up, the tragedies of your mind / all your fears and doubts are mounting up / there's no room for you to breathe there"

give it up

"if only for tonight, sweetheart, be God."

2011-06-27T16:47:00.002-07:00

another mind virus inadvertently planted into my brain.
please stop doing this to me, people.

2011-06-22T00:06:00.004-07:00

i wish that inside i felt the way this looks on the outside. always.

image courtesy of gilbert cisneros. (i'm gonna get a link to his site later)

2011-06-18T01:31:00.001-07:00

would it help if i did some fist pumping?

2011-06-11T03:30:00.003-07:00

two (and a half) things:

001/ one of the things i love about good dance music is it's ability to touch on profound subjects in the most basic and simple way possible. too bad the video is kinda lame. but i've been obsessed with this song lately.

kenna - chains

002/ here's a song of mine. this is the most complete thing i've ever gotten done musically. almost all of it's quality is owed to chance clift. he is a wonderful friend. none of my music would exist without him.

Apt Is The New Nervous by i_am_apt

000.5/ sleep is for the well adjusted.

2011-06-02T00:03:00.001-07:00

quit thinking, dummy. just walk.

2011-05-24T00:24:00.001-07:00

you're in a living room!:

check it out. i'm in a music video.

totally nailed that part.

chance lewis on facebook
@iamchancelewis on twitter

if it weren't for chance, there would be no apt. remember that.

2011-05-22T02:32:00.002-07:00

the throwing of a bone (or, an homage in black, white & youtube):

2011-04-25T23:21:00.003-07:00

i think this is kinda cheating.
but it's my thing.
i can make my own rules.
plus no one likes loose threads.

here's the song i was talking about. like i said, one of his more popular songs, as far as i know. it's great though. maybe weird in this context and timing. haha.

and here it is in that movie i was talking about. it's the end of the movie, so, um, spoiler alert, i guess. haha. somehow it's not as powerful out of context. or maybe i just remembered it being more powerful. such a good song though.

i tried to locate that awesome kid drawing that i found. i looked for one half of one hour and could not find it. i'm not sure where it is. i will be really sad if i lost it forever.

but i did find what was my very first favorite book. and the first book i ever did a book report on. in kindergarten. maybe first grade. i can't recall.

i'll show it to you some time.
i promise.

this is hard.

head up.

2011-04-17T00:01:00.002-07:00

the event:

ending saturday night semi-early, eating a third of a slice of key lime pie in bed, all alone in this big house.

the lesson:

don't let it go to your head. don't let yourself trick yourself. always keep your eye on your actual position. and, if you can, gently push that line along a little bit. only a little bit.

2011-04-15T02:21:00.002-07:00

as long as i can hit my notes:

been listening to this over and over.

atmosphere - my notes

don't worry, everyone. all in all, i'm pretty okay.

2011-04-10T22:54:00.004-07:00

deep end:

fist fighting demons again, knuckles raw, bleeding skin /
until the season's end i'm stuck in brawl, make these heathens dead /
the struggle, more/less, is so fatal and gorgeous /
rip off the horns and nail that halo right on your forehead /
my face is covered in blood, sweat and spit /
i'm gonna let em mix until you can't even tell which is which /
my face a crimson disc, my raw nerves are fairly severed /
i guess it's nothing long steps can't temporarily temper /
out the door, right foot's the kick, left foot's the snare /
i'm shook and scared, i'm pushed to rare, i'm gonna hoof it there on these crooked stairs /
find that timeless, isolated, island /
close my eyelids, hold my breath and listen to the silence /

please come to my show on saturday. please come to see the other people too.

2011-03-23T18:20:00.002-07:00

you saw him in the shade, now he's tailor made to stick to sun / once he gets past the last of the emulsion

stenopool is going on indefinite hiatus.
hopefully.

thanks for reading.

2011-03-20T22:32:00.002-07:00

he lay in bed, waiting for the sleeping pills to take hold, slowly breathing. and with every breath, calmer than the one preceding, he took in his stench. the smell of a man who hardly dressed that day, isolated in his room, only leaving to retrieve food from the kitchen and return. a man weighed down. the smell of stagnation and half-hearted follies. it was the scent of giving up.
and he thought it was the most fitting scent he could possibly wear.

2011-03-20T11:22:00.001-07:00

a (very) short story:

"anyone but him. honestly, take anyone but him."
but even as he thought the words
he knew who would be chosen.

2011-03-20T02:07:00.000-07:00

it's just out of the frying pan and into the fire
with which set of burns would you care to retire?

2011-03-19T00:26:00.002-07:00

a slice out of the night:

while standing on stage, staggering into the beginning of his set, he said something to the effect of,

"i know what you're thinking... 'what is that arcade fire looking guy doing up there?' but don't worry, i swear i can rap."

and there was barely an audible reaction of any kind.

he should not have been surprised by the direction his set would take from there.

happy 300th post.

2011-03-16T22:58:00.002-07:00

things other people wrote that describe me part 001:

"i no longer act, that is unless you consider my every waking moment a kind of performance."
- from chronic city by jonathan lethem, pg. 64

"this is exactly who i am / an indie, artsy fuck who raps better than your friends"
- from "do you believe in life after thugs" by astronautalis

2011-03-14T23:50:00.001-07:00

I wish this ceiling was the sky and this floor was a wide open field and this shoulder wasn't empty.

2011-03-13T03:42:00.001-07:00

time travel and melancholy. just another daylight savings.

2011-03-10T23:58:00.003-07:00

really big day tomorrow:

first this:

then this:

then next week i'm part of three shows. i've decided to call it the balloon dog tour (poster coming soon). here's hoping my mind survives.
i think it will.
i almost don't want to say it, but maybe things are looking up.
a shocker.
i know.

2011-03-08T19:01:00.001-07:00

2011-03-02T23:55:00.001-07:00

i love when my phone freaks out and has to reinstall a bunch of its apps and then decides that keeping all my various lyric notes probably isn't that important. goodbye random lines. i hope i had most you written somewhere else too.

like on here maybe hopefully.

of course, the other notes app that i don't use for lyrics cause it is ugly still has all of its notes intact.

i really should backup things.

2011-03-02T00:18:00.002-07:00

these things are happening:

two of the four (?) shows i'll be doing in march. hooray for sammy's.

i'll also be updating the previous stupid list post. cause i forgot some things. and i'm gonna make it a multi-media extravaganza. i know... super exciting.
unless i get lazy and change my mind.

2011-02-27T23:06:00.002-07:00

superfluous post made up of lists:

emcees people might be surprised i like:

- kanye west
- jay-z
- freeway
- kool g rap
- tupac
- m.o.p.

last four books i bought:

- point omega by don delillo
- an object of beauty by steve martin
- chronic city by jonathan lethem
- freedom by jonathan franzen

music i've been listening to a lot lately:

- bad time zoo by sims
- "something in the water" by prince
- "bosico" by aesop rock
- "death 9000 (prof & p.o.s. broadcasting version)" by mux mool
- "radio-inactive" by blueprint
- wooden heart by listener
- "demon girl" by cecil otter

stuff i used to not really like that now i like quite a bit:

- kefir
- asparagus
- gingham
- a close(ish) shaved face
- writing lyrics
- boots (but not my ugly lugz)
- guru's
- the national
- twitter
- short hair
- showers in the morning
- going to work on time

i feel like this list may grow much longer over the coming months

i think my depressing posts are more interesting. too bad for you, i guess.

2011-02-26T01:59:00.002-07:00

reasons i might be gay (by no way a comprehensive list):

i decided to finish of my night by
-listening and loudly singing along to erasure
-watching pushing daisies

reasons i might be awesome (by no way a comprehensive list):

i decided to finish off my night by
-listening and loudly singing along to erasure
-watching pushing daisies

2011-02-26T01:43:00.003-07:00

dear twitter,

stop being broken and over capacity.
i just have one stupid thing i want to say.
don't be so stubborn.
you know i love you.

love,
apt aperture

***edit***

dear twitter,

thanks. i knew you would understand.

loves and smooches,
apt amplifier

2011-02-25T18:47:00.002-07:00

as you all know, dear readers, this blog most often focuses on my mopey, whiny, melancholy, etc. side. but today i though i should put up a post that focuses on a different side of me. my vain side. (which, truth be told, is probably at least a little related to my mopey, whiny, blah blah blah side).

so, fine people who read my blog, i just want you to know that

i look freaking good tonight.

hahahahahahahahhahaahahahahhahahahaha.

on an unrelated note,
twin shadow radio on pandora
kills it.
go listen.

2011-02-24T23:49:00.002-07:00

things i should have done tonight:

- taxes
- wrote lyrics
- made a poster
- postcards (hahahahahahaaahahahahaahahhaahaaa... but really, those might happen someday... right?)
- cleaned my room
- cleaned my bathroom
- been social

things i actually did tonight:

- made and ate hdmc
- watched pushing daisies on netflix
- texted
- posted upcoming shows on the apt facebook page
- ate a krispy kreme donut
- listened to music

i'm feeling pretty good about my choices.

2011-02-23T21:50:00.001-07:00

today started out bad.
and then got good.
thank you to the people that helped make it good.
maybe i can do this more often.

2011-02-23T15:52:00.003-07:00

from a text conversation last night:

"i don't get it either. but there it is. and there it will always be. ready to occasionally suckerpunch me in the face. and make me bleed green."

so, not only do i write in vague, ridiculous metaphors, i talk in them also.
that's why my friends love me.
so pretentious.
hipster.
poseur.

and, yet, kind of awesome.

2011-02-23T13:01:00.001-07:00

it's amazing the things that can completely derail me.
i probably won't even leave my bed today.
what a joke.

2011-02-23T00:17:00.001-07:00

disingenuous.
that was the word.
so very apt.

2011-02-22T00:09:00.001-07:00

the birds on the wires sing so desperately:

sims - when it rolls in

something to strive towards, i suppose.

2011-02-22T00:06:00.001-07:00

let's make a deal:

i'd glady wear this
red face
forever,

if it meant
my heart went
numb.

my head is a
better place
to keep my
blood
anyway.

2011-02-18T00:01:00.002-07:00

three and a half unrelated things:

beats. beats. beats.
i need more beats.
i feel like i could finish 2-4 new songs over the next month if i had the proper beats.
guess i should finally force myself to learn to make them myself.

i don't like that i get nervous when i am coming home.
ah well.
i suppose it's just another step closer to the scythe. these are the sort of things you find on that path.

buys sims' new album bad time zoo. it is so good.
in fact, buy all doomtree related products that you can find.