it's just now that i'm realizing eye contact came difficult even more so than usual
so it was head shrugged looks and sideways glances and peripheral practice and telling stories to people who had already heard them several times over but they were there and their eyes were familiar so they could be a conduit
and when eyes did actually meet it felt like something whatever that something was
today in a list, plus one parenthetical explanation:
• sleeping in • atmosphere on big headphones • neon trees on mtv commercial breaks • the hills on mute • memories of reality tv with old friends • thinking about the surreal nature of memories of reality tv with old friends while watching one of said old friends being on during the commercial breaks • six or seven tabs deep of fluevog things that i want but might still not have the guts to buy • cracker barrel • really good ham • so-so cake • new pink shoes • squinting at bright shoes • reaching out to the mon • fiberglass horse • trail walk • gypsy trailer park • recognizing a friend running by saying hello only after they have already passed and are out of vocal reach and feeling slightly bad/awkward about it • realizing you were talking about a story that made you literally throw up and that you said the phrase "it literally made me throw up" while said friend ran by and wondering if they heard, and, if so, what they thought • chalk drawing of a "pennis" on the underpass • remembering the times when you were young and would have thought doing something like that was hilarious • adventure time • cookies and ice cream with the best marrieds, the mon, robo unicorn, and scotch • "carnie" party, sans carnies • amy winehouse and mario in the corner • trading cars • stopping for cheese and pepsi • hanging at the jumping jacks apartment • yelling at unknown dude on skype from the other room • but seriously, i'll take him • he's jealous • we can touch while we talk • allison acting shocked, and perhaps insulted?, upon finding out i have a blog that she didn't know about (this is mostly just a baiting reference to see if, after acting disappointed at not knowing about this blog, she actually reads it and comments) • gypsy goat song • muppet dance • leisurely stroll • honest talk • swingset • wet shoes • most quality, pleasant sense of self and positive feeling i've had in quite a while about the future and my abilities to conquer said future • "yaa i get it" - shad • "you wanted a hit" - lcd soundsystem • blog check • blog post • thinking up dumb nicknames for almost everyone mentioned in this post • wondering if the people mentioned, both those with and without nicknames, will come across this post • and what will they think? • or what will others think, for that matter? • turning post into over-thinking, self referential, semi-meta type thing • realizing it's after 5 in the morning and i should try to sleep
that was thoroughly enjoyable. felt right. natural. for the first time in a long time. since the days of owning deadlocked sets. but it reminds me that i really need to focus on something of my own. i'm too old to be riding mostly coat tails.
anyways, i don't know if anyone got any video of it. if i come across something i'll post it. if not, i'll post the video from around halloween, since i just realized i never posted it here before.
on a mostly unrelated note, i need more button-ups and bowties. and vests. and blazers. and boots. ahhhh.
i never really forget, but it was nice to be reminded today that atmosphere is incredible. after three albums worth this evening i feel full of goodness and soul and drive and a little bit of envy. thanks sean and anthony. if you've not listened to atmosphere, you should give them a try. any album will do, though i think 'you can't imagine how much fun we're having' may be their best. in fact, i will make an atmosphere mix for anyone that wants one.
yours in blogginess, adam thelonius hochhalter
p.s. their videos aren't really that great but....
i feel weird leaving a strangely dramatic and vague post as the last thing i put up for too long. so, i better post something else.
really, lately i've been shook in certain areas. and i go back and forth between fine and shook. like, fine in the morning, shook by the nighttime. but it's probably good. cause i've been a bit too stagnant of late. the status quo is the standard death row.
and, over the last month or so, i've gotten to meet some very fantastic people. and get to know some other fantastic people better. and find that there are people who like me. not as a sidekick. or as a thing to put up with for my the chance to hang out with my cooler friends. and that is a good thing to know. even if that knowledge doesn't necessarily stick so super well. even if occasionally it feels like attack of the thirdie. even if in certain areas it feels like fourth place forever.
i am convinced i will get better at these things. because i have to. and because i can. and, really, it's about time.
so, not to be super lame and quote my own lyrics from a song that probably hasn't been listened to by anyone in at least three years, but i suppose what i'm trying to say is,
i'm not really sad as i seem. that's my confession.
i really need to get back to lyrics (that aren't from super old songs) on here. cause they can be corny and overwrought and vague and ridiculous, but not quite as much as this. haha.
so, that should probably be the end of that. and that. both. maybe. aw fuuuuu
a timid mario taking half hearted-leaps landing right in front of goombas. my life in videogame.
master half-stepper maybe quarter-stepper maybe shuffles at best my life in rap cliche.
with a gift of gab that only exists in solitaire my life in more rap cliche.
and a penchant for rambling and rambling and hiding with smoke and mirrors not saying what's really at hand lest, you know, you knew what i was talking about. lest that.
things to try and do this week (or, things you are allowed to bother adam about this week*):
my forlorn wallet design stuff order paint pens/spray tips order screen printing stuff work on botw screened poster design write at least 16 bars of something clean up around the house go to work on time three out of five days, at least stop being semi(maybe not so semi)-jealous of scott's awesomeness and utilize my own awesomeness perhaps for evil most likely for good
*so long as you recognize that i have all rights to ignore, dodge, dismiss or otherwise avoid actually answering the question/addressing the issue
**edit: i forgot two important items on this list. including the one that is the most likely to happen.
make some sort of progress on the animal remix kill it with chance lewis at velour on friday
okay, so i don't really have anything interesting to post today. but i feel like i've been on a bit of a roll, so maybe posting something mostly useless will keep me in the habit of posting things.
i've had a broad plan to do a series of mixtape ep's called jack beats nimble. basically i would steal beats and rap over them (just like most mixtapes). half as just mixtape-style, not very serious songs (like lyrical exercises that aren't necessarily fully formed songs) and then more straight forward songs. on some songs i would reprogram/remix the tracks a little. some i might even make whole new beats using samples from the original instrumental (hopefully helping me learn how to make my own stuff from scratch so i can do real songs). i've been talking about it for a while but haven't done much aside from finding an instrumental here and there and setting them aside.
anyways, the thought was to do a whole series of them with different themes for different ones. like, one would be all doomtree related instrumentals, one would be all top 40 stuff, one would be all rhymesayers, one would be all def jux, one would be indie rock stuff (which i might scrap because every rapper does mixtape songs over indie rock stuff cause it's the easy way to get your hipster/blog love), one would be ridiculous, unexpected stuff (like erasure or depeche mode and rush and three inches of blood, etc.).
the one i probably want to do first would be jack beats nimble: locavore. it would be all songs based off local bands stuff. so, (now that what was supposed to be my short post before going to bed is a rambling thing, here, finally, is the point) here's an early list of tracks i would probably do (with no accompanying explanations).
oh, i guess not porpoise speed maury mon and the moonlight gospel vibranter sound velour girls/scenester (jmb/apt takeover) gridlocked tate's 7th
so, um, hopefully some day i will get to these. i especially look forward to oh, i guess not cause it will involve chopping scott's vocals and making a sweet beat out of them. that'll probably be the first one i do. after i finish the animal remix. and the design work for cory mon. and going to sleep right now (i love parenthetical statements and stalling going to sleep).
here's another one from a facebook wall back and forth between me and scott (which means, if you are friends with us both on facebook, you have probably already seen it).
heavy lids on eyes irrate another night stuck with the sisyphus fate should trade the boulders for sheep let thoughts molder and sleep but when i try to wave the white flag i'm left shaking sheets cannot displace this defeat i misplaced all my z's so i'm here with a y at the end of the beat a good question i'm well past second guessing 99 problems and they all feel pressing they're all dissenting and pressing their luck it's so demented their stressing my gut upsetting and stuck in this medicine muck cause the nyquil's done nothing but settle their pluck they're digging in and no call for retreat so this is the day they made a zombie of me for another eve, death's cousin withholds his attention and the sandman holds no plans for intervention
scott doesn't generally say whether he thinks my posts are good or not. so, it is up to you, fair readers, to buoy my esteem. i actually think this one turned out good. and it's a whole verse. it will have to be reworked if i were actually doing it out loud. a few rough syllables in there.
i just got back from an evening up in salt lake watching my friends' band play and eating and hanging out and all around fun-ness. and pretty much the whole drive home was in silence. aside from the music on the stereo. and it made me think how often i have been on silent drives home. how peaceful they are. what appropriate cap stones they are for quality nights with quality friends.
i thought about how it takes a certain level of friendship for me to feel okay sitting in a car and saying nothing. it takes a certain closeness for the silence to avoid being awkward. for it to feel appropriate, even. for me to not feel strange about it, guilty about it, dying to figure out some way to fill it. and it is very nice to have that level of peace with new people.
i also thought about all the times and people i've enjoyed such drives home with in the past. the times i would drive home from picking my dad up at the airport. my mom driving, her and my dad in the front seat talking about adult things that i never bothered to pay attention to. me in the back seat, lying down, staring at the sky out the window, watching as the light posts would glide by. and when they disappeared that meant we were halfway home. the times coming home from shows in chicago with fabian. music blasting from the speakers while i learned how much i loved rap music and what specific kind and what it meant to me to love it. the drives up the canyon with jared listening to jimmy eat world or death cab for cutie. how motion was enough, nothing else had to be said. how the speed and stars and rushing concrete fed the soul. the times coming home from jazz games with kelsy, bellies full of pizza from the pie. a quiet respite after an evening of jovial loudness and camaraderie. even just the short drives home with scott after a late night at work. five minutes of peace and decompression with a brother.
and i thought about how i miss so many of those people and those drives. and how appreciative i am of the ones who are here still. and how, someday, i will miss them too. how some other night i will be riding home in a silent car and i will slowly work my way through the various layers of friends. like an archeologist digging through layers of dirt. the fossils of my social life.
all in all, what i'm trying to say is i am thankful for this night and many others. and i am thankful for everyone that was there with me, for now and ever.
it's very eerie when you are part of a less than glowing conversation that you know for a fact is about someone else, but that you realize, with some changing of proper nouns, could easily be all about you.
thanks for the reminder, life. i get it. it's time to step it up a little.
don't mistake me. we're not the same / you're mistaken greatly when you switch the name / tempted to feign me just to trick the fame / but why bother angling when i already grip the flame? / is recognition such a plight. bent, airing out the night / shade can be a treat, but i've been walking on my own feet / steppin' out into the bright. squint, glarin' at the light / i'll keep the shadow in the beat but i won't need retreat /
so, this evening i went and watched scott play a short set at muse. he played one of his newer book on tape worm songs called corners and it reminded me of something i could post.
the first time i heard them play corners in their set it kind of made me chuckle. occasionally on facebook chat, scott and i will enter into a rap back and forth. not really a battle, but just a back and forth of related lyrics or whatever. lately, it's the only time i end up writing anything. or at least anything moderately decent. anyway, months ago he sent me what was an early version of what ended up being (maybe just part of) the first verse of corners. i generally end up reading anything scott sends as rap lyrics. probably cause that's how i write, so it's just the first thing i think to read it as. it's quite possible none of the lyrics he sends me are rap style at all. but anyway, i can't recall exactly how it went. it was about an old man and photographs and it had a very nostalgic, somber, but with a bit of silver lining buried deep within feel to me when i read it. it stars 'i see an old man...' this is the 2/3 of a verse i wrote back:
i see a young man lost in his doubts / can't see his way out the fog of war clouds / another day another battle left to be spun / piece after piece, less lost than are won / in the thicket of the thing, can't hold it under thumb / it feels like air being sucked out of lungs / but its volumes of pictures of songs still sung / with no frames, there's not enough time to get hung / must answer the call of the next bell rung / they may look for the trophies, but in truth we need none /
i wish i still had scott's version he sent me, just as a comparison thing. ah well.
so, i've been meaning to post more. specifically more lyrics. which would require me to write them. so i am currently figuring out the proper way to approach such production and hopefully soon i'll start getting things up more regularly again. for now, i figured i could put this up as a... i dunno.. teaser, i guess.
if you happen to be in provo on saturday night, you should come to velour and watch book on tape worm and the other nice bands that are playing. maybe i'll get a video of corners to post up here, so you can see/hear what the (much better, in my opinion) inspiration for my part-verse was. maybe some day i'll finish it too.
now i'm rambling. gonna press publish now.
**edit** my friend maddison recorded corners at the show. here it is for your enjoyment.
she also recorded two (or i guess one and half) other songs from the show which you can check out, along with this one, at her blog.
